


relearning all the pieces

by lady_mab



Category: Friends at the Table (Podcast)
Genre: COUNTER/Weight - Freeform, Fluff, No Spoilers, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-21
Updated: 2017-12-03
Packaged: 2019-02-04 23:41:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 28,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12782166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lady_mab/pseuds/lady_mab
Summary: Mako's point of view for "the sound of you" -- reconciling feelings, learning limits, testing them.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [timetoboldlygo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/timetoboldlygo/gifts).
  * Inspired by [the sound of you](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12664938) by [lady_mab](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lady_mab/pseuds/lady_mab). 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i told you i was going to do it. so here i am.

Mako’s brain is racing a hundred million miles per hour. Every inch of his body feels electrified and tense. He needs a distraction. He needs something to bring him back down, and for some reason, he can’t stop staring at the lines of Cass’ back. 

He speaks without thinking, which is par for the course for him, but also a very bad idea. “Hey. You wanna like… have sex?” 

He watches Cass’ shoulders tense at the question and Mako has never wished more strongly that he could take a question back. “Do I what?” 

Backtrack, rewrite, try to find a way around what he said. Nothing works. So why not dig himself deeper? “You. Me. I don’t know. I’m just.” Mako rolls his shoulders and shifts his weight from one foot to the other. He can’t get his brain to settle, and it’s making it very hard to have this conversation. “It’s weighing too heavy on me right now, which is a stupid thing, but I didn’t log out of that system correctly so it’s been bothering me.” He waves a hand at Cass, unable to pinpoint anything specifically but that is another issue. “And you’re tense. You’re like, super tense. It might just be like. A good idea?” 

Cass stares at him, and he can tell that they are working through the question. Weighing pros and cons. Trying to figure out something, anything, that could explain this. 

Mako hopes he didn’t try too hard. He doesn’t have a reason. No, he has a reason, but he keeps it to himself. No need to bring it up. No need to let it get in the way. 

This will be casual. Right.  _ Casual _ . 

“You can say no,” he forces himself to say, trying to be helpful. No need to break Cass’ brain over a stupid question. “Or yes, but don’t think this is some sort of--” 

“No,” Cass says immediately, and before Mako can think of what his heart is doing, they follow up with, “I mean… I mean.” They stop, clearly thinking a little too hard about this. 

“Cass…?” He tries again. “I didn’t mean for this to--” 

“Yes.” 

Mako is quite certain his heart jumps into his throat and he tries not to sound too hopeful. “...Yes?” 

“Yeah, let’s go.” Cass bends down, scoops up the bag they had been holding, and leaves the dining room. 

Mako watched them go, brain scrambling for an answer, then hurries after. 

They open the door to their room and start to step inside. Mako doesn’t let himself think. Doesn’t let himself hesitate. 

He presses in after and kicks the door shut behind him. Cass turns at the sound, and Mako repeates his mantra. _Don’t think. Don’t hesitate._ His hands are on Cass’ hips, keeping them close. 

_ This doesn’t have to mean anything. _

His lips find the curves of Cass’ neck and he feels the jump of the pulse, the gasp caught in their throat. 

Cass catches his waist and Mako tries to squirm free. The touch is casual, but unexpected. It catches him off-guard. “Woah!” they say, pulling him back. “Here? On the ship?” 

He doesn’t want to keep stalling like this. The longer they stall, the more likely he will lose his resolve. Maybe his intentions aren’t clear enough. 

Mako hooks an ankle around Cass’, pulling himself in closer and tangling their legs together. “What, do you want to go back to your place?” He hasn’t been to Cass’ apartment for more than a handful of minutes at any give moment. Enough time to pick something up, drop something off. It would give them more privacy. 

More intimacy. 

Mako doesn’t think that would be wise in the long run. He might get too comfortable. 

“I don’t--” Cass starts and Mako cuts him off. 

“The sooner we do it, the sooner we can look back on it and laugh.” He doesn’t know what sort of expression he’s making, but he knows his heart twists uncomfortably at the words. He doesn’t want Cass to see his face so he leans back in and nips at the curve of their neck, and that serves as enough of a distraction. 

His hands work quickly, familiar with the rush and scramble -- familiar with way his heart thuds in his chest as he presses kisses to the exposed skin. He pulls layer after layer away, Cass’ hands holding tight to his hips but not moving. Well, not moving beyond the involuntary tug to keep him in close every time Mako tries to step back. 

When Mako moves on to their pants, Cass’ grip finally shifts to his wrists. They pull them away with another protest. “Woah, woah, hey-- Slow down.” 

“Why?” Mako bites out, trying not to sound bitter. _Please stop questioning this. Just let me have this._

But then Cass turns their dark eyes down to him, earnest and serious, and Mako can’t look away. “Are you okay?” 

This… isn’t the question that he had expected. No, he is not okay. Not really. There is something on loop in the back of his brain he’s trying to ignore, and more than anything, he wants to be pulled out of this body to just float in silence. The idea of Cass’ hands on his body, lips on his skin, sounds like a very good alternative. 

So he answers the only way he knows how. “I’m… fine.” Because this is fine -- this is a good distraction. 

“Mako.” Always able to see through his bullshit, even if they don’t always get the answer right. 

He takes a second to compose himself. “Listen, can we not talk about that right now? I’m having a very hard time concentrating on words when you’re shirtless in front of me.” Mako grins and presses back in against them.

Cass is cool to the touch, and if Mako couldn’t feel the way that their pulse raced beneath his fingers, then he would have thought that they were completely unaffected by this. He drums his fingers against their chest, over their heart, and grins. “We can save that for the pillow talk after. Right now, I just want a fuck.” 

They catch him beneath the chin, and for a breath, he doesn’t know what’s going to come next. But then their lips are against his, and Cass kisses him in a way that let Mako trick himself into thinking this isn’t just a hook up. 

His knees threaten to give out under him as Cass’ tongue presses against his lips, and he opens his mouth to the touch. 

There’s a second when a shiver races down his spine, and whatever Cass feels in that makes them pull away. But not too far. Their kiss works across his jaw, beneath the hollow at the base of his ear, down the lines of his neck. Hard enough to bruise, but calculated. Attentive. 

This time, his legs turn to liquid and it’s only Cass’ arm curling around his waist that keeps him on his feet. Mako stumbles as Cass pulls him back to the bed, and then they’re falling onto the mattress. 

With the same surgical precision, Cass pulls Mako into their lap and pushes him upright. He follows the guiding hands, straddling them and looking down at their hooded expression. He has no idea what they’re thinking. 

Probably not the same litany of _holy shit holy shit holy shit_ that is running through Mako’s brain. 

Cass’ fingers tug at the edge of his shirt and he comes back to the moment. He bends over to let them pull it off, and then their fingers trace the lines of his chest -- the thin definition of lean muscle, the ridge of his hips. 

Mako’s body feels like it is on fire, Cass’ touch sparking a new path of flame across his skin. Not even the chill of their fingers can temper it, and he doesn’t even bother trying to hide the shiver. 

They watch each other for a beat, then another, and then Mako, growing impatient, grinds his hips down into Cass’. 

A gasp escapes them, and their head tilts back to reveal a very tempting patch of skin. 

Mako takes advantage of it, leaning down and running his fingers back through Cass’ hair. He uses his grip to keep their head angled away, and he licks the spot before leaving another bite. Cass makes a sound, jerking in surprise, and hips bucking into his. 

He grins and does it again, drawing it out until Cass’ hands return to his waist. 

The gesture is a split second of warning before Mako finds himself on his back, surrounded by light grey blankets and Cass’ hands shifting to his shoulders, pinning him in place. 

They study his expression for only a moment. He doesn’t know what they find there, but it’s satisfactory enough because then they’re kissing a path down his chest and pulling at his pants. 

Mako moans, returning his grip to Cass’ hair, fingers wrapping around the barely-there curls. The last thought he has before his cock is pulled free of the constriction of his pants is that he could get used to this. 

Everything is warm -- too warm, burning inside him, his heart thudding within the confines of his chest, a frantic engine. Cass’ fingers trace cool patterns across his skin, but the relief doesn’t last long. 

It builds and builds until it spills over, and Mako cries out, voice muffled against Cass’ shoulder, his nails digging in. 

They lay in a tangle of limbs, and Cass’ fingers tease almost absently through his hair. 

There’s a minute, then two, and then a third, before Cass pushes themselves upright. 

Mako enjoys the sight, their tanned skin and toned muscles. Even as they’re getting older, they keep in good shape. He makes an appreciative noise, and Cass arches an eyebrow in amusement. 

He grins and kicks aside the blankets so he can curl up beneath them. Every inch of him tingles, and he sighs. “Much better.” 

Cass attention is focused out across their room, an unreadable expression on their face. “Oh?” 

Mako wants to reach for them, but the lines of their back are stiff and unyielding. So he traces a pattern in his mind, imagining all the ways he can make their spine arch beneath his touch. “Yeah. Exactly what the doctor ordered.” He winks. 

To his surprise, Cass laughs. It’s bright, delightful sound, and Mako thinks that maybe they’re not too put off by this situation. Their back says one thing -- tense, hesitant, despite the fact that the entire point of this exercise was to ease the tension -- but there’s a brightness on their face when they turn to look at him. “Fuck off.” 

He simply nestles deeper into the blankets. They’re light and soft against his skin, and he makes a mental note to think about getting a set for himself. “Maybe later.” He closes his eyes in challenge, stubbornly announcing that he will be doing no such thing. 

Cass’ fingers toy with his bangs, and their voice is fond when they say, “You have your own bed.” 

Mako can’t help the small smile that pulls at the corner of their lips. “Yeah, in a closet.” 

“That’s no one’s fault but your own. There’s a perfectly good room for you.” 

He cracks open one eye and gazes up at them. “Hey, don’t insult my closet.” The room that was assigned to him makes him think too much of his dorm on September, even though it’s smaller. But there’s a bed and too much space, and he knows that left with all that space, his mind will fill it with clutter. It won’t be relaxing.

Cass doesn’t move their hand. The calloused tips of their fingers tap out a rhythm against his forehead, teasing the strands of hair. “I wouldn’t have to if you didn’t insist on taking over my bed.” 

Mako splays his arms and legs, taking up as much space as he can. He doesn’t miss the way that Cass’ eyes flit across the shape of his body, and he flushes beneath the attention. Again, he wants to reach up and close the distance between them, drape an arm around Cass’ neck, pull them back down into the bed. “Your bed is huge.” 

“Hmm.” Their gaze doesn’t settle for a long moment, but when it does finally return to match Mako’s, it’s distracted. Somewhere else. 

Mako returns the study, hand resting halfway across the space between them. “There’s space here,” he teases, stretching in a way that catches Cass’ attention. He grins and pats his chest. “I don’t mind if you’re one of those that likes to cuddle after sex. Just put your head right here and I can braid your hair and we can talk about things.” 

Cass rakes a hand back through their hair, and Mako wants to do the same. “Alright, maybe next time my hair will be long enough.” 

The smile falls from his face and he sits upright. He struggles to keep his breathing under control, but he knows his heart is pounding so loudly that it could probably be heard across the Kingdom Come. “Next time?” 

A sound escapes the back of their throat and they turn away, and Mako wonders if they even meant to say that. 

“We could--” he starts, but when Cass doesn’t turn around, he hesitates. “We can make this a regular thing, if you want.” 

If he could hold onto this for a little bit longer, it would be worth it. If he could keep Cass in his arms a little bit longer, he would be happy. 

“After jobs,” Cass says, slowly. “If they don’t go the way we planned, but we’re okay.” 

“Yeah.” 

“Yeah…” They don’t say anything for a moment, then they push themselves to their feet. Mako allows a second to appreciate the view. “You can stay here if you want to sleep.” 

Wait… Cass isn’t staying? 

They bend down and start to pick up their clothes, and Mako slumps back onto the mattress. “Oh, okay....” He pulls the blankets up over his shoulders and tries not to feel like he’s sulking as he looks at the wall. 

“This stays between us,” Cass says, and it’s like a punch to the gut. 

Mako snorts, offended. “Yeah. Sure. Who would I tell?” 

There’s a beat of hesitation. “I don’t know. Aria?” 

He laughs despite himself, frustrated with how upset this is making him. “I tell her a lot of things, but I’m not about to tell her about my sex life. Or well, whatever this is. And in return, I expect her not to tell me the same thing.” 

And it’s not like he can tell someone that he managed to trick his crush into having sex. Christ, how flimsy was that excuse?  _ Relieve some tension and stress _ . How had that even worked? 

“Alright…” Cass finishes getting dressed, then adds, “Rest up. Doctor’s orders.” 

Despite his attempt to remain upset, Mako smiles at the joke and chuckles despite himself. “Sir, yes sir!” 

The door opens, closes, and Mako’s left alone in Cass’ bed. 

His smile falters, then falls once again. He curls in on himself, pulling one of the pillows in against his chest. 

The bed is too big with no one else in it. But it smells like Cass, and still carries some of their warmth. 


	2. Chapter 2

Mako has to try and tell himself that it doesn’t mean anything. There aren’t supposed to be emotions attached, despite the way that he’s a little in too deep. 

The easiest way to avoid it is to avoid the kisses. 

The second job that goes poorly is one that Mako went on on his own. Cass finds him standing in his room, hands clenching and unclenching, as he tries to calm himself down by breathing deeply. 

Cass stands before him, toe to toe, and Mako stares at the spot where their shoes meet. It takes him too long before he realizes that Cass is trying to talk to him, and he only realizes when a hand, cool and comforting, brushes back through his hair. 

He looks up, and Cass curls their fingers around the back of his skull and pulls him in for a kiss. 

It lasts a moment, then two, and then Mako puts his hands on Cass’ chest and tilts his head away from the kiss before he can fall into the rhythm of it. 

To their credit, Cass doesn’t flinch, though they do start to draw away. 

“No, stay,” Mako says, reaching back for them and putting their hands on his hips. “I need a distraction.” 

Cass is a great distraction. They peel off his shirt, work off his pants, and then they have him pinned to the wall of his too-small room. The sound of Mako’s labored breathing fills the space, bouncing off the metal walls. Their hands are still clenching and unclenching at his sides, but then they make their way to Cass’ head as they lick their way down his chest and stomach and kneel on the ground before him. 

His breaths turn to whispered sounds turn to moans. Distantly, he’s aware that he’s fingers are able to grip Cass’ hair better. 

* * *

Cass finishes and leaves without saying anything. Mako crawls into his bed, spent, relaxed, but it doesn’t fix the hollow feeling inside of his chest.


	3. Chapter 3

Third job doesn’t go poorly, but they come off of it high with adrenaline and excited, nervous laughter on their lips. 

They’re in a different dome, AuDy and Aria are off somewhere else with the Kingdom Come, and Mako can’t stop laughing. 

“I can’t believe we did it,” he says between gasps of breath. “I can’t believe we fucking did it.” 

“Aria is going to be so mad,” Cass replies. Their lips twitch, uncertain if they want to smile or not, but Mako can see the light in their eyes. The undeniable rush as they stumble after him. 

“Hey,” Mako says, reaching out for Cass hand and giving it a tug. “We’ve got some time to kill.” 

They make a face, still amused, still pleased. “I thought we agreed--” 

“Only when jobs go bad. But,  _ fuck _ , if this isn’t the best sort of feeling, then--” 

Cass laughs, and Mako grins wildly at the sound. “Alright, yeah, c’mon.” 

There’s a hotel down two blocks, and they get a room there. 

They pull at each other’s clothes as the door slams shut behind them. They trip over their own feet, both too eager to make the most of this moment. 

Mako thinks that this might be the closest he’ll get to having Cass for real -- because they’re both happy and desperate to be the first to strip the other and too busy laughing to try and bother with any of the formalities. 

He allows himself the indulgence of being loud for once, now that they don’t have to worry about anyone on the Kingdom Come finding out. And then, because he can, he is overly-loud, just because it makes Cass double over with laughter. 

* * *

When they’re finally done, Cass rolls to their feet with a groan and stretches their arms over their head. Their spine gives a soft pop and they make a satisfied sound.

Mako lies in the bed, watching them, marveling at the way they move. “What are you doing?” 

“I’m going to go call Aria and AuDy.” 

He groans and flops onto his back to stare up at the ceiling. “C’moooooon just put it off until later.” 

Cass chuckles, pulling up pieces of clothing in an attempt to find their phone. “We’ve wasted enough time.” 

“It’s late, can’t you just call them tomorrow?” 

They finally locate the device and toss their jacket back onto the floor. After a moment’s hesitation, they reach out and wrap a hand around Mako’s ankle. 

He yelps in surprise as Cass tugs him down the bed and leans in, one hand sliding up his thigh and the other on the mattress by his head. 

Mako looks up at them with wide eyes, breathless, and undeniably turned on. 

Cass’ lips curl into a smirk and they lean in closer still until their mouth is hovering just above Mako’s. 

He doesn’t move -- uncertain of what he’s supposed to do. 

He  _ wants _ to kiss Cass, but he knows if he does he won’t want to stop. And while they haven’t established rules beyond  _ don’t talk about it _ and  _to relieve stress only_ , this feels like it would be crossing some kind of boundary. 

Mako takes too long to decide because Cass lets out a soft breath and pushes themselves upright. There’s no expression on their face, but they pat his leg and get back to their feet. “You don’t have to leave, but I need to make sure we get this information to the contact.” 

“No,” Mako says, pushing himself upright. “No, I’ll get dressed.” 

He tries not to drag his feet as he does so. 


	4. Chapter 4

The fourth time isn’t good, and Mako regrets their arrangement the second he has his wits back around him. It’s quick, rough, and the perfect example of why Mako shouldn’t have started this in the first place. 

This time, he gets dressed and leaves without saying anything, but the thoughts inside his head are too noisy and he can’t sort them out.


	5. Chapter 5

The fifth time is…. Complicated. 

He hits the ground, hard, and his head cracks into the sidewalk with a discomforting thud. 

Cass is at his side -- it could be in an instant, could have been minutes, he’s having a hard time keeping track of time. Floating in and out, in and out -- Cass’ worried face hovering above his, cool fingers checking his skull for injuries. Prying his eyes open to check his pupils. 

“Mako,” they say, and their voice is distant, fuzzy. Kind of like how he feels warm and fuzzy, but not as pleasant. “Mako, I think you have a concussion. I need you to stay awake for a bit, okay?” 

“Yessir Doc,” Mako says, or at least he thinks he says. It kind of comes out as a drunken slur. But he lifts his hand in what he hopes is a confident salute. 

Cass catches onto his hand and he doesn’t get a chance to see what their expression is like before he passes out again. 

A second, or maybe a few, pass before he hears Cass’ voice again. In and out, in and out, distant and fuzzy like a bad reception. Sometimes wordless _wohwohwohwoh_ and sometimes coherent sentences. “My place is close by. I’ll take him there. He just needs someone to watch over him.” 

There’s another voice, high pitched, strained with worry. _Wahwahwahwahyou sure Cass?_

“He’ll be fine.” 

“Do you want me to come?” A beat, then, “Okay. Call me if anything happens. AuDy and I will finish up.” 

“Thanks.” 

Arms, soft and cool and comforting, ease him off the ground. A hand pats his face, gently. “Mako, can you stand?” 

“Can I who what now?” 

“Stand.” 

“Mmmmm.” He moves his legs. 

“Mako, your legs. Can you move them?”

“Yes?” 

Cass sighs and then suddenly Mako feels his center of gravity tilt dangerously to the side and he clings to the one solid thing he can find. 

“Hey, hey, it’s alright. I got you,” Cass says softly. “Hold on to me, okay? Can you do that?” 

Mako nods, but that sends the thoughts in his brain tumbling loose and he’s pretty sure he blacks out again because the next thing he knows, he’s in a bed with an extremely comfortable comforter draped across his chest. 

He struggles to push himself upright, but then there’s a hand on his forehead and another guiding him back down into the pillows. 

“Careful,” Cass says, voice soft in the darkness and silence. “You hit your head really hard.” 

“Where are we?” His first thought was another hotel room, but he thinks he remembers something about Cass saying… something else. Alright, maybe he couldn’t remember. 

Cass’ fingers smooth across his forehead, then brush his hair back. Their fingers are cool and soothing against the dull thrum of a headache. “My apartment. It was close. Which is good, because I don’t think I could have carried you much further.” 

“You carried me??” 

“I asked you to walk and you sort of… peddled your feet in the air.” There’s a mixture of concern and amusement in their voice, and when Mako lets his head flop to the side, Cass is sitting in an armchair, ankle hooked over a knee, chin resting in the palm of their hand. Their brow is furrowed, and they look like they haven’t slept in far too long. 

“How long was I out?” 

“A few hours. I woke you up once or twice.” 

Mako doesn’t remember that, but he thinks it might be better to not answer. “Oh.” 

“Do you want anything to drink? Water?” 

“Mmmm do you have any milk?” 

Cass makes a face, and Mako laughs. “I don’t know. I might.” They unfold from the chair with a soft sigh and the creaking of joints. 

“Alright, I want milk.” 

“What are you, five?” 

He smacks his fist weakly against the comforter. “Mako wants milk!!” 

Cass’ laughter trails back to them from the kitchen. There’s the clink of glasses and the hum of a fridge. “Oh, you’re in luck: It hasn’t expired yet.” 

“And the people rejoiced!” 

A minute later, Cass returns with a glass of milk and passes it over. They sit down on the edge of the bed, and Mako is determined not to stare until he has at least finished drinking the milk. 

When he’s done, Cass takes the cup and sets it on the bedside table. “How is your head?” 

“Uh. I don’t know. Should it be bad?” 

Cass leans forward and lets their fingers card through Mako’s hair. They make a silent study, searching for something, before pulling back with a satisfied nod. “The swelling has gone down. There wasn’t anything too serious, so it was okay to not have to talk you to the hospital right away. But, as the resident medical expert, I am going to have to keep an eye on you for the next few days to make sure that you don’t have any more fainting spells and that the last of the swelling goes away. Because otherwise, it means that there’s a more serious issue at hand.” 

Mako nods, and thankfully, nothing starts swimming alarmingly in his field of vision. 

He has a hard time reading Cass’ expression in the darkness, but he enjoys the fingers dancing across his skull -- landing every so often to brush his hair or to check his temperature. Their touch is gentle, unassuming, protective. 

Mako wants to cry. 

Instead, he snuggles a bit deeper into the blankets and peers up in Cass’ direction. “Hey.”

“Hey,” they echo. He can hear the smile on the word and his heart stutters in his chest. 

“I had a bad time during that job.”

Cass’ fingers hesitate before resuming their work. “You're recovering.”

“I think I'll recover faster if you get into bed with me.”

He doesn't expect anything, but it's still a surprise when Cass sighs and pulls away. But it lasts only a second before they tug back the covers and slip in alongside him. 

They lay on their sides, studying each other in the darkness, and Mako is suddenly very nervous. 

“Question, Mako.”

“Answer, Cass.”

“Why don't you like being kissed?” 

This… is not on the top list of any number of questions that he expected to be asked. He thinks about this, about his hookups before Cass. Kissing was… never a part of them. He had only one actual relationship, and kissing went with that and it was always so intimate. A layer of feelings and emotions that weren’t tied up in hookups. 

Cass is different. Because Mako _does_ have feelings for them. He does very much _want_ to kiss back, but he’s too afraid. 

“It’s just casual, right? Just sex?” Mako is glad that it’s dark in the room. He can’t see Cass’ expression, but that also mean that they can’t see his. “We don’t need to worry about those sort of feelings and intimacy.” 

Cass is silent for a long moment. When they finally speak again, their voice is soft, distant. “Isn’t the act of having sex an intimate exchange to begin with?” 

Something flops unsettlingly inside Mako’s stomach. Shit -- had he offended some sort of Apostolosian cultural belief with his offer? But then why would Cass have gone along with it? No, obviously there has to be some other reason. “It… I mean…” There is no way that he’s expected to have to explain _hook up culture_ to Cass, is there? Because that would be too much, even for him. 

“Sometimes it’s just… purely physical,” Mako concludes, unable to look them in the eye. “There doesn’t have to be anything intimate about it.” 

“Oh.” At least it’s a sound of clinical understanding. Something making sense. Mako doesn’t think he’d be able to handle if there was any sort of emotional connotation behind the word.

“Well. Now you know.” He breathes. Steady, in and out. “Going forward.” 

“Going forward,” they repeat. And then, slyly, “Perhaps when you’re feeling better you can show me just what is okay for hookups.” 

Mako sits up immediately and has to steady himself on Cass’ hip as his world tilts a degree too far to the side. “I’m feeling great.” 

“Oh? I thought you were feeling tense because the job didn’t go well.” 

“Listen, I’m feeling up to teaching you a thing or two about hookups. Step up your game for next time, right?” 

Cass shifts so they’re lying on their back, their hair fanned out on the pillow. “Next time with you or next time I hook up with someone else?” 

That’s a loaded question that Mako ignores by going straight for Cass’ pants. 

* * *

Mako doesn’t wait long to roll right out of bed and start getting dressed again after this.

Cass sits up, hair mussed. “Wait, what are you doing?” 

“I’ve got to go.” 

“Mako, you literally have nothing else going on--” 

“Nope, I just. Gotta go. I got.” He waves his hand airily, glad to find out that he can’t see it shaking in the darkness. “A thing.” 

“One, it’s the middle of the fucking night. Two, you just had a concussion ten hours ago, I don’t think--” 

Mako’s laugh is too loud, too strained. “Nope. I’m good. It’s all good.” 

“Mako--” They catch onto his wrist, and, frustratingly, he lets them. “What’s wrong?” 

A lot of things, and most of them he doesn’t want to figure out how to work through. “I’ll call you if something goes wrongways with my head, okay? Thanks for the check-up, Doc.” Stupidly, he salutes, but he can’t think of anything better to do before he’s out the door and into the stale night air. 

Cass’ voice, frustrated, concerned, comes floating through the apartment as they struggle out of the sheets and try to catch him. “Mako!” 

The door slams shut and Mako takes off at a run. Pick a direction. Any direction. Enough to put any sort of space between him and Cass, him and that bed, him and all the feelings that he still hasn’t properly organized. 


	6. Chapter 6

(Amazingly enough, they let it slide. They don’t tell Aria. They don’t talk to him about it. When they see each other next, they maintain their usual level of aloofness, and Mako feels a lot of things.) 

(Relief, to know that nothing has changed.) 

(Disappointment, to know that nothing will change.) 

(A mix of others, that he’ll continue to refuse to figure out.) 

* * *

The sixth and seventh times aren’t anything special.

Sure enough, whatever Cass might have picked up from Mako’s “hook-up lesson” is put to good use. Once back on the Kingdom Come because the others were gone, once back at Cass’ apartment because if they had tried heading back to the ship, Mako might have tried to punch AuDy. 

Weird mixes of emotions. Not only for Cass now, but for the others. Treating him like a kid, like someone that needs looking after. He had messed up on one job, and now they walked on thin ice around him. 

Cass is the only one who doesn’t. Which is good, because Mako doesn’t know what he would do if he didn’t have their hookups to distract him from the thoughts filling up his head. 

And then they get a job, and Cass has to leave. To go undercover or some bullshit like that. 

Mako has to apply for the job they are going to be performing, and by apply, he simply fogs the system and places this fake identity they all created. He also makes them an emergency out in case their cover gets blown. 

This work is comforting, familiar, and he does it with the same brilliant accuracy he does everything. See them trying to belittle him now. 

One by one, the team goes through the parts of the plan before Cass becomes Nicanor. Mako is last. 

He holds the drive in his palm and shows it off with his other hand. “Just plug it in, hit the command button that will automatically pop up, and bam! You’re golden.” 

“What does it do?” Cass asks, trying to reach for the drive. 

And because Mako can’t help but tease them just a little bit longer, he pulls it out of the way. “A lesser AI would become completely corrupted,” he explains, and reaches up to shake it beneath Cass’ nose so they have to glare down at him disapprovingly. He grins and uses this moment to commit that expression to memory. “It would just crumble beneath this code.” 

They have no idea what sort of AI that Cass will be going in to monitor. Jamil has no information, and they could barely figure out enough to get Cass the job. 

“And what kind of code is it?” 

Mako winks before finally handing it over. “Trade secret.” 

In all honesty, he should be the one going, but everyone else agreed that he would probably get on the wrong side of the company very quickly. 

So he has to train and prepare Cass as best he can. 

He’s stressed. They’re all stressed. But a job is a job is a job, and he’ll be damned if he lets his nerves get in the way of his work. 

* * *

And then, on the sixth day after receiving the job, Cass gets on the Starlight Straight and leaves Centralia.

Mako stays curled up in his bunk, the tiny closet that’s big enough for his bed and little else, and tries not to panic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi this is currently shaping up to probably be longer than the first one whoops


	7. Chapter 7

They anticipate a week before Cass will be able to officially be in position. 

Until then, they have to stay off-line and so there won’t be any updates unless Something Very Bad happens and they have to call. Everyone hopes that this is not the case. 

Mako hopes it is a little, but it’s small enough that it’s not a significant amount to sway the fates in one direction or the other. 

He tries to find ways to distract himself in the meantime. They’ve discussed an exit plan for Cass, and it involves lots of trains between the different Domes in an attempt to throw off any sort of tail that might be following them from the company. Because regardless of what their exit might be, if they are dealing with something that’s such high clearance as it looks to be, they won’t be let go easily. 

So Mako’s job is to make various personas and forged IDs -- don’t have to be as complicated as Nicanor’s with an entire life story, but they would have to hold up under scrutiny. And fool any sort of facial recognition software. (The fact that Cass doesn’t have one right now is a bit nerve wracking, but he tries not to think about it.) 

He starts his work, and then puts it aside. 

Second night he tries again, then gives up. 

Third night, he doesn’t even bother trying. He goes for a walk and doesn’t answer his phone when Aria calls to find out where he is. 

He goes out on the fourth night and distracts himself with the bright lights and loud music of a dance club. He’s not at the point where he wants to look for someone to distract him. 

Not when he wants to keep the memory of Cass’ hands on him. He will deal with the stress the same way he has before Cass: Bottling it up to deal with later. 

Store it into a different compartment of his brain. Lock it up tight. Not worry about it ever reappearing again, because he knows how to convince himself the same way he knows how to convince other pieces of hardware into doing what he wants. 

So, fuck it, he leaves the club and sits on a bench in the park and calls Cass. 

This will be a good way of easing the tension that he still feels -- the nervousness, just to know that Cass is okay. Even… well, no, this won’t work. He won’t know. He won’t know until Cass turns their phone back on and they reply to the group chat (which, until that point, has been keeping up with its usual flow of activity). 

Mako calls anyway. 

It goes straight to voicemail, like he expected it to, but it still causes his gut to clench. 

“ _You have reached the voicemail box for Cass. Please leave a message and I will get back to you as soon as I can._ ” Always so formal. Maybe he can get them to change it one day, add a little flair. 

The phone beeps, and it’s time to leave his message. 

“Uhhh…” he says, because he didn’t think this through. “Hey, Cass. I know you’re still in-communicato for another few days. But, I mean, that’s never stopped me from talking.” He hooks his elbows over his knees, folds his hands before him, unfolds them, refolds them, can’t sit still. Got to keep talking. Keep his mind busy. “I know that you’ll miss my rambling so much that I need to make sure that you don’t go crazy without the daily play by play.” Try to sound casual. Try to act like they’re sitting right next to him. “You’re such a detail-oriented nutcase that if you miss even a single moment of what has happened in the exciting life on the Kingdom Come, you’ll cry. You’ll be inconsolable. We can’t have that, You’d blow the mission.” 

The Cass in his mind starts to roll their eyes so Mako knows that the real one would be too. “And don’t roll your eyes at me. I’m right. So, here we go. A detailed log of all that has happened in the last few days since you’ve left Centralia Dome.” 

Mako pauses. He hadn’t actually… thought this through and now he just talked himself into a hole. Well, fine. Mako Trig is good at talking himself out of situations he’s dug himself into!! He puffs out his chest and starts to detail what has happened over the last four days. 

The words flow without a single ounce of hesitation. It’s easy to talk to Cass, even if they aren’t there. 

Finally, as he runs out of things to say, he checks the time on his phone and notices that it’s late. Or early. Or whatever that point is where one becomes the other. “Alright, I think that’s it for now. I’ll catch you later. Or, well, catch you up later. It’s what, a three hour difference between us? Aria and AuDy are keeping me busy during the day and man I’m tired, but I thought you might like to hear what’s been happening since you’ve been gone!” The lie comes easily, because he realizes that he doesn’t want a reason to make Cass worry.

Would they worry? 

“And all that,” Mako concludes awkwardly. “Yeah. Bye!” He hesitates, wondering if he should say--... something. Anything else. He hangs up before he can consider it another moment. 

He’s left sitting there for a long moment, and the moment turns into six AM, and Mako shakes himself to as people start to filter past the sidewalks and into the buildings around the park. 

“Fuck,” he mutters, and drags his hands back through his hair. “I’m dumb.” 

It’s not like Cass will even listen to the message. They will probably see it, think something less than charitable about Mako, and then delete it. 

Well, that’s fine. He can deal with that. This gives him an out to talk at something. And he can hear the brief few seconds of Cass’ voice and--

And now he sounded really pathetic. 

“It’s very hard to be in love with someone who doesn’t love you back,” Mako concludes. Which is, of course, something he concluded a long time ago, but it’s good to finally be able to say it out loud. Makes it more real. 

Makes it more of a wake-up slap to his face. 

Mako slaps his cheeks for good measure and hops to his feet. “There’s work to be done!” he calls out to no one in particular, though a few pedestrians give him curious and wary glances. 

He will use this as an opportunity to get the fuck over Cass. 

_You said you would call them to keep them updated_ , a small part of him says, but Mako scoffs at that part. 

_Yeah, as if they will even listen to that message. Grow up_. 

The smile slips from his face, and he turns his gaze up to the sky. 

“Grow the fuck up.” 

He makes his way back to the station and the Kingdom Come. 


	8. Chapter 8

A text arrives in the group chat from Cass two days after Mako left the voicemail. 

_ Safe and sound. Transmissions will start in two days. _

The Chime has a small celebration between the three of them, relieved that their fourth member is safe. 

And sure enough, the information starts trickling in after the promised two days, and now Mako has something very good to distract himself with. 

He throws himself into the codes as much as he can, but then there’s a job offer. 

And then there’s another, and another, and soon the three of them are scrambling to keep up with the information from Cass and the new influx of jobs. Mako is running, and running and running at headlong speeds. 

It’s exhausting, but he thrives off of this. So does Aria, he can see it in her smile and the twinkle in her eyes. She loves being able to help people. 

AuDy, thankfully, never tires, and they are a steady force through all of this. 

Back and forth, back and forth. His brain is blissfully silent. He can work, with a clear head, and he thinks, _Yeah_. Getting over Cass will be easy when he’s so busy he can’t spare a thought that way. 

His resolve lasts all of six days before he decides -- no, why not. Keep them updated. 

_I said I would, so I should_. No reason to go back on his word. 

“ _You have reached the voicemail box for Cass. Please leave a message and I will get back to you as soon as I can._ ”

Mako hates that he misses Cass’ voice this much. 

“Hey!” he says immediately after the beep. Don’t let anything sound off. “So, like, I know I said I would keep you updated. Sorry I haven’t been doing that great a job. A lot of stuff has been going on. It’s like, as soon as you were gone, everyone decided they wanted to give us new job offers.” Mako sits on the edge of his bed, his hands moving awkwardly in the air around him. If he was talking to someone face to face, they’d be moving wildly. It’s weirder with no one there to watch. “Haha almost like they were waiting for you to leave? HMM!!!” He puts his hand to his chin and hums long and loud, but it quickly dissolves into laughter. “No, I’m kidding, it just seems like more work now because you’re not here to help share the burden. It’s amazing how much more work three people have to do when we’re so used to four.” 

He pulls his knees up to his chin and gazes out at the opposite wall. “They’re all small and dumb jobs but, hey, a credit is a credit, and at least we’re not being asked to save cats from trees. I’m drawing the line there.”

Mako hums in thought and closes his eyes. “Let’s see. What sort of jobs have we been getting. A few spying on significant others, to catch cheaters or something, which I think Aria only takes because she’s just Too Nice, you know? Like, getting involved in relationship problems is not something we do. Normally. Who let Aria pick the jobs anyway? We’ve had to infiltrate a few business for shady dealings but nothing like what you’re doing. Mostly just poking around. Like remember that time we pretended to be maintenance workers to work on a heater? Man, that was _brilliant_. Kinda like that. Not as risky, which is good, because hah, you’re not there to bail us out if we get into trouble. Oh, speaking of -- no, not about trouble, I mean past jobs. I’m still trying to find a buyer for these mechs. Hey, if you find someone at your new company, hook a boy up, okay? I gotta get these to someone before I go into debt paying for storage. Or more debt. I don’t know. Does this qualify as having debt?” 

He kicks his feet out and leans back against the wall, keeping his eyes closed. Imagining that Cass is sitting next to him, mimicking his pose. It’s not like they only ever just sit together before having sex. They hang out. Sort of. Not enough. 

“I don’t know if it’s because the other voice of reason is gone from the team right now, but AuDy is kind of grumpy lately. I mean, as grumpy as a robot with no face can be. And I think Aria’s writing a new song, because she’s been humming a lot and I don’t recognize the melody. So that’s kind of cool. I can’t wait until she decides we can hear it. But at the same time, I’m super jealous that she’s able to do something like that even with all this work. I don’t have that kind of decompression hobby.” Mako very nearly says that Cass is his decompression hobby but chokes on the words at the last second. 

“It’s stifling, all this work with no time to sit down and relax. I guess I should get a hobby, huh?” He sighs and knocks his head against the wall to jar the cycle of thoughts out of its rut. “I know I might have complained before about not having enough to do, but shit, it’s like… Man, it’s like now I don’t even have time to sit down. It’s great we’re getting work and stuff like that, but I feel like my feet might fall off. I’m having stress dreams about jobs. Stress dreams!! About work!!! That’s gross!” 

Mako has never had something that he’s been invested enough in since he left school. School gave him stress dreams, and plenty of other anxieties and insecurities that he’s stored alongside all the other things he doesn’t want to think about. But now he’s thinking about deadlines for jobs on top of analyzing data before sending it to Jamil and worrying about if Cass is okay between their messages to the group that it’s just getting to be a lot. He tosses his hands into the air because he has nothing else to do with them except gesture grandly. “You know who has stress dreams about work? People who have nothing better to do with their time, because all they do is work. Uuuuggghhhhh.”

It’s like a corporate lifestyle but _worse_ , because it has the illusion of being laden with freedom. Fucking _freelance_ even has the word ‘free’ in it. How is that even remotely logical? 

Resisting the urge to get up and pace, Mako refolds his legs beneath him and rubs the back of his neck. “Anyway. You’re not missing much. It’s the same as it always is, though there’s a new BluSky dome opening up a few domes down. Can’t compare to the lovely beaches of the CED, I’m sure, or the hazy haze of Centralia. I don’t know how you can stand being away from here.” He smiles to himself, knowing that Cass is probably glad to be out of this stupid Dome. 

And then the silence stretches on a bit too long and Mako realizes that he should probably say something. “I’m sure Aria and AuDy would say hi if they knew I was calling you.” His fingers fidget with the hem of his shirt, needing something to distract themselves with. “But uh, hey, let’s keep it between us, yeah?” Because he doesn’t need that look Aria would give him. And he doesn’t need her prying into _why_ he’s calling Cass when everyone else is just keeping to the group chat. 

Mako can’t help the grin that takes over his face, and he just knows that it will be audible in his voice. “I mean, we’re doing good at keeping the other thing between us, why not this, too?” 

He laughs again, because he has to picture the annoyed frown on Cass’ face at his teasing. “Anyway, that’s all for now! I’ll talk to you later! Or, well, call you later. Update you later. I don't know it’s late I’m tired my feet are going to fall off. Bye!” He’s still laughing as he hangs up the phone and scrubs his hands over his face. 

Okay, maybe he can’t really pretend to be casual. But it’s nice pretending that nothing is different. There doesn’t have to be an excuse for anything at this point. Keep what they have, and that will be it. 

Mako flops back onto his bed and gazes up at the ceiling. 

“You’ve got this,” he tells the ceiling. 

_Hell yeah you do_ , he tells himself. 


	9. Chapter 9

Mako decides “why not make this a new routine”. It’s safer than finding some other sort of distraction. He also never has a shortage of things to talk about. 

And talking is… nice. Even if it’s just talking at nothing -- at his shadow on the wall, at a plant in the park, anything that he can focus on. It keeps him sitting still, it helps him break things down in his head, and compartmentalize them as needed. 

No one is there to interrupt, or criticize what he’s saying, or tell him to go do something else. 

So the messages start becoming more frequent, because Mako absorbs a lot of data throughout the day and this way he doesn’t have to hold on to any of it. All of the useless trivia he picks up can just be funneled right back out again. 

It helps with the stress dreams, too. 

Mako leaves them with a higher level of frequency. When traveling from one job to the next, when working on the data that Cass has sent over on the new unit. He talks about all the gossip he’s picked up behind an arguing couple while in line for coffee. He talks about that guy who is clearly running some kind of shady side business and _“Lose the shades, dude, it’s too obvious that you’re a sneak!”_

Cass clearly doesn’t listen to any of these because they don’t tell him to stop, which is fine. It’s a perfect outlet. 

The best part is that Mako finds he doesn’t mind that Cass doesn’t listen to them. They’re more for his own sanity than they are to actually update Cass. 

A record of their day, expunged, and theoretically deleted. 

No need to keep these files. 

He feels a little lighter already. 


	10. Chapter 10

Sometimes, Mako doesn’t take the time difference into consideration. Most of the times, he tries to call earlier because he knows that Cass won’t be back at their apartment. That way, he doesn’t have to worry about them answering the phone. 

Cass has mentioned in the group chat that they work late hours, and stay later still -- it makes them look like a hard working employee while giving them more of a chance to try and figure out just what the AI does. 

In this instance, it’s 1am. It is a hit or miss if Cass will be home, but they never answer the phone anyway, so it comes as a surprise when the line clicks on and it’s _not_ their voicemail message. 

There’s a tired muffled, “‘ _Lo?_ ” from the other end of the line and Mako goes still. 

“Uh. Hi?” 

“ _Mako?_ ” 

His heart is definitely in his throat and he does his best discreet attempt at trying to gulp it back down into place. “In the flesh? Sort of? Wait, why are you answering the phone?” No, stop, try again -- more important question. “Wait, are you asleep?” 

“ _Was. You called_.” 

Well, this is definitely unexpected. “Shit, I mean, you could have just let it go to voicemail.” It’s what he intended. He didn’t actually think he would have to talk _to_ Cass instead of just at their voicemail. 

There’s a soft huff of breath and the _flump_ of something hitting the pillows and Mako grins at  that. There’s been very few instances where he’s actually seen Cass in that state between asleep and awake, and despite their general high-strung demeanor, they also have a hard time getting up in the morning. _“I know,”_ they say. _“This saves me the trouble of your message later.”_

Mako laughs despite himself. “Alright, sure. Brace yourself for your daily update.” 

_ “Mmm I liked them better when they were like--”_ And here, Cass breaks off to yawn and Mako can’t stop grinning. _“Once a week at best.”_

He laughs again, delighted. “You should have voiced your opinion earlier.” 

There’s a sleepy grumble from the other end of the line and Mako wonders if he has ever heard Cass this uncomposed. He wonders if _anyone_ has heard them like this. _“‘M voicing it now.”_

Mako makes a face and leans in closer to nothing, knowing that no one can see him but enjoying the theatrics of it anyway. “I’m sorry, what was that? I can’t understand you.”

They grunt. _“Voicing. Now.”_

“Are you sure? You sure you’re not speaking Apostolosian? It kind of sounds like it. Blub blub blub--” 

_ “Shutup,”_ Cass grumbles. There’s a lot of grumbling, but they don’t sound annoyed. _“I just woke up.”_

Mako glances at the time and winces. “Isn’t it like… Ten for you?” 

There’s a pause, the sound of fabric rustling, and then, _“Yeah, a little after.”_ There’s another pause. _“Isn’t it later for you?”_

It’s one am, but Mako doesn’t want to sleep just yet. “I’m not tired. Unlike you.” 

_ “I just pulled two all-nighters working with unpleasant people. I’m allowed to sleep all day if I want to.”  _

In all the time that they’ve known each other, Mako has never known Cass to take a day to just _sleep_. This must be taxing work if they could sleep all day. “Isn’t it still a weekday?”

_ “Technically?”_ They yawn again. _“I don’t know anymore.”_ There’s a soft sound, like they’re stretching their arms over their head, and Mako enjoys the way they sigh, satisfied. _“Now are you going to end my suffering and just give me the update or do I have to sit here in anticipation?”_

His eyebrows lift up, and he sits upright and his grin turns devious. “Ooh, I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware that they were such a highlight of your day!” He rubs his hands together and then taps his fingertips. “You pretend to be all grumpy and dislike them, but the truth is that you’re always grumpy and you secretly _live_ for them--” 

_ “Ahhhh…”  _ Their sigh turns to another yawn.  _ “You got me. It’s what I look forward to spending my evening doing after thirteen hour shifts. Listening to you ramble on for an hour and then some about whatever caught your interest for the day.”  _

Mako is distracted long enough to hold off on what he was going to say. Because Cass just…. Admitted to actually listening to the messages? That’s what they said, right? They would only know that if they listened to his messages. 

His smile is wide, and he’s quite certain that he’s blushing. “You actually listen to them?!” 

_ “I--well… Yes?”  _

He laughs, partly in relief, and partly because his heartbeat is going faster than normal and he doesn’t know how to handle this sudden information. “I didn’t think you actually would.” He didn’t dare even  _ hope _ that Cass would listen to the messages. 

Their hook-ups didn’t come with the emotional obligation to leave voicemail. Mako only did because he’s dumb and in love and had no one else to talk to. 

Cass’ tone resumes it’s grumpy nature. _“Then why do you insist upon leaving them? Daily?” _

He pretends to think about it, drawing out the hum. “Mmmmm I’m bored?” 

_ “Oh, come on.” _ Again, they see right through his bullshit. 

So Mako sighs and runs a hand back through his hair. “I don’t know. I guess it’s kind of just nice talking at something.” And, because he might as well tell Cass, he goes on to say, “Honestly, I didn’t think you’d have the patience to sit through them, so I thought your voicemail would be nice. Because it’s kind of like talking to you at any other given point -- you know, I just ramble on, and you sit there and just let my words go in one ear and out the other.”

There’s a beat of silence and Cass neither confirms nor denies that that is what they do, so Mako just figures that is  _ exactly _ what they do. 

“Why did you listen to them all?” 

Cass’ response is immediate. _"Because they’re so boring that they put me to sleep.”_

Mako’s laugh is sudden, exploding out of him on a giddy wave that leaves him doubling over to bury his face in his hands. “Alright, okay! Fine!” 

_ “Fine?”  _

“I’ll try to make them more entertaining from here on out, and then you’ll have to pay attention.” He thinks. “I’ll quiz you.” 

_ “Oh?” _ He can hear the challenge in their voice.  _ “Over text or over the phone?” _

Mako hums in thought. “I don’t know. You get home late, you said?” 

_ “Mostly, yes. I don’t really have set days off.” _

That sounds absolutely awful and Mako is suddenly  _ very glad _ he didn’t take the job. Even though everyone told him he couldn’t have it, they wouldn’t have been able to stop him if he decided to go for it. 

“I dunno… I mean, I guess text would be more practical. I’ll ask you a quiz at the end of each voicemail about the events for that day, and you have to text me the answers.” 

This is… dumb. This is dumb and probably dangerous to some sort of degree. To his sanity, he’s certain. This is him asking Cass to pay attention to him and him alone for no good reason other than he misses them. 

Well, that’s not the reason he’s giving. But it’s the one running on loop inside his head. 

_ “What? That’s stupid.”  _

He smirks. “Well, what would you prefer?” 

Cass makes a soft sound, somewhere between thought and frustration. Then they say, _"I’d prefer neither of these options and you can just update me like everyone else keeps me updated.”_

Mako hopes his sigh is loud and dramatic enough. “That’s so boring though.” 

_"It’s practical."_

Well, yes. It is. But that’s not what he’s about. “Since when have I ever been _practical_.” 

Cass hums in thought. 

Mako likes that sound. They make that sound a lot, because they always put too much thought into everything that they do. But it’s always fun to poke at them for it. “Tick-tock! Going once?” 

_"No, I’m trying to think."_

“Going twice?” 

Their voice is light, amused. “ _Hold on, there has to have been some time when you’ve been--"_

Mako cuts in with a buzzer sound. “Wrong answer and you’re out of time! I’m sorry, you’ve lost the million credit question! The correct answer is: Never! Mako Trig is wild and free and  _ practical _ is not in my dictionary!” 

Cass laughs, and Mako can’t help but crow in victory. This only serves to get Cass to laugh harder, despite any attempt to smother the sound, and for the first time in a long time, he feels lighter than air. 

“I can’t believe this, I’ve actually made you laugh.” 

Their words are muffled, probably spoken into a pillow.  _ “I’ve laughed at you before.” _

“Not like this you haven’t. Score one for Mako.” He lifts his hand to his lips, pressing the tips of his fingers to the skin and biting at the nail. “Okay okay okay. You must be delirious and exhausted or something.” 

Cass’ chuckles dwindle, but he can still hear them.  _ “Mm yeah. A little.” _

“I should let you get back to sleep.” 

_ “You could.” _

Oh. Oh this is flirting. Cass is actually  _ flirting _ with him and Mako can’t stop the smile that takes over his face. “Alright, I could. But I mean, since I have you here--” 

Cass groans so Mako just talks louder and begins his summary of the day. He adds in more than what had actually happened, but it makes them laugh and it gets them to talk and  _ shit _ Mako knows that he’s a perfectly lost cause, but he enjoys this. 

It goes until the yawning interrupts the talking too much to make any sense. 

_ “Go to sleep,” _ Cass says, always the practical one.  _ “It’s late.”  _

“Mmhm, sure, Doc.” 

They chuckle. _ “I’m serious.”  _

Mako blows out a huff of breath. “Okay, first problem, you’re always serious.” 

_ “Mako--”  _

He knows that tone. The “I’m A Doctor I Know What’s Best” tone. “Yeah, yeah. I know. I’ll go to sleep. It was…” He pauses to think, trying to figure out the best way to word this, but the only thing that comes is a yawn. “It was nice talking to you.” 

Cass is silent as well. _"Talking at me,”_ they say, voice soft, teasing. 

“Yeah.” Mako laughs and unsuccessfully tries to rub the sleep from his eyes. “Either way.” 

Another pause, and Mako wants to know what they’re thinking. What is going through their head as they say  _ “It was nice talking to you, too.”  _

And then, because he’s feeling brave, because they just spent half an hour talking and laughing and perhaps he’s a little sleep deprived, but he says, “Let’s try this again sometime.” 

_ “Sure,” _ Cass replies without hesitation. 

“G’night.” 

_ “Night, Mako,” _ they say, and hang up. 

Mako listens to the tone signaling the end of the call before rolling over and burying their face into their pillow. “Oh my god,” he gasps, and tries to decide if he wants to laugh or to yell. “This is dumb.” 

It doesn’t stop the smile from lingering on his face for the rest of the night. 


	11. Chapter 11

Mako continues to leave the voicemails as often as he can. There’s not another chance for them to talk, but now that he knows Cass listens to the voicemails (the question  _ why do they listen to them? _ runs on a chaotic loop through his head), he feels more confident about leaving them. 

About leaving multiple. 

About making up questions to ask to try and prompt a response. 

And for six days, there’s nothing. 

Which is fine, he tells himself. Cass is busy and there’s no reason they should bother wasting time out of their already exhausting schedule to call him back. Mako honestly doesn’t expect anything in return. 

So when he wakes up the next morning (well, _afternoon_ ) to find a voicemail from Cass waiting for him, Mako has to set the phone down and stare at the wall across from him in shock. 

But then his curiosity and his nerves become too much and he picks it up and listens to it. 

He’s utterly delighted to hear that Cass actually answers the questions that he left at the end of his last message. It’s true then -- they _do_ listen to them. ( _Why why why why whywhywhy_ )

Cass voice is soft, thoughtful. According to the timestamp, it had to be a little after eleven that they left the message. They lay out their thoughts carefully as they talk, which Mako used to find frustrating when they first met but learned to accept as an endearing trait. 

They talk about work, and they’re right, it’s pretty boring stuff, and they sound so tired. Mako wonders if they have stress dreams about their job, if what they’re learning sticks with them. 

He has been reading the data has been coming in. He’s picked it apart, tried to find the familiar lines of code that he fears, but nothing is there. 

Whatever this is, it’s not Divine in origin. 

It’s just a highly intelligent AI. 

But it’s not Mako’s job to worry about it, so he doesn’t push the subject. The Chime receives the data, they repackage it, they send it off to Jamil. She will take it, send it to her contacts, and then it will be up to them to decide. 

Doesn’t stop any of them from worrying about it. 

Cass sighs into the phone and Mako wants to be there with them. Or at least on the phone again, talking with them. But when they speak again, there’s a forced enthusiasm as they switch topics. 

Mako closes his eyes and listens to Cass talk about their day. It’s soothing in its own way, their measured speech and even tone, and he curls back into bed with the phone pressed against his ear. 

* * *

Mako is riding back to the Kingdom Come on his Ring of Saturn, leaving the day’s message, when he pulls to a halt in front of a pet store. 

“I’ll call you back, okay? I’m going to go make an impulse buy.” He hops off the board and, shit-eating grin in place, enters the store. 


	12. Chapter 12

“No.” 

“Aria, c’mon.” 

“Mako, this is a horrible decision.” 

“No way! I’ll take good care of them.” 

Aria makes a strained, tired noise and pinches the bridge of her nose. “You bought a fish!” 

“Uh-huh!” 

“This is a terrible idea.” She's trying not to pace. She has one arm crossed over her stomach, the other lifted to her mouth as she also tries not to bite her nail. “This poor fish is going to die within a week.”

Mako makes an anguished sound. “Excuse you! I'm perfectly capable of taking care of Cass Jr!”

Oh. Wait. 

Aria turns slowly, and there's this expression on her face that might be akin to _knowing_. Though what exactly she thinks she knows, Mako doesn’t want to confirm. “You named it Cass Jr.” 

“Uh--” 

“Mako. You actually named the fish _Cass Jr_. You named it… After _Cass_.” 

He spends a moment to consider the ramifications of moving completely off-world or at least dropping off the Mesh. “Don’t--” 

“That’s very _rude_ ,” she immediately says, and he has to hold back the laugh of relief. “Please don’t tell me you actually told them that you named the fish Cass Jr.”

“Uh--” he repeats. 

“He did send it to the group chat,” AuDy chimes in, moving into the common room of the Kingdom Come. They pick up one of the many pieces of aquarium decorations and hold it in front of their face area. “So it is safe to say that Cass will probably see it.” 

Aria whirls on Mako and shakes a finger threateningly under his nose. “I thought you were joking!” 

“About which part of it?” 

“The entire thing. Buying the fish, naming it Cass Jr -- I thought you did it just to tease them.”

“Well--” 

She holds up a hand to stop him. “You’re going to kill this fish.” 

He makes an offended noise, huffing in protest. ”I am _not_.” 

There’s a strained, high-pitched noise that could either be a part of the ship letting out gas or Aria under distress. Or the ship in distress and Aria letting out gas, it could go either way. “Mako… I don’t mean for this to sound like an insult… But you’re not the most responsible person.” 

Mako opens his mouth, ready to argue back, but then he immediately snaps it shut again. Because it’s true, and there’s no way he can argue against that. “Well…!” 

“Leave it here.” 

“It’s my fish!” 

“Yes, and I want to keep an eye on it to make sure that it is  _ still alive _ on a daily basis  _ without _ having to wander into your room.” She puts her hands on her hips and Mako knows that she means well but there’s just something inside of him that shuts down and his shoulders slump. 

“Yeah… Okay…” He shuffles out of the common room, suddenly far less enthusiastic about his surprise than he had been upon making the purchase and delivering the message to Cass on a voicemail. He leaves the decorations spread out across the table, and vows to put them together later. 

It is kind of a stupid idea. It is kind of an insult that he named the fish Cass Jr and he should probably text them or call them to let them know he didn’t mean it that way. 

Instead, all he does is sit down on the edge of his bed and stare at the opposite wall and slip into silence. Instead, all he does is nothing except for run over the list of where he messed up again and again and again and again--

* * *

In the end, Mako does a  _ very good job _ taking care of Cass Jr, if only out of spite to Aria. The tank, as he promised to Cass over the voicemail, is _fucking awesome_. There’s a few neon plants, the lights change colors, there is a heater because apparently it’s a fish that likes warm water. There are little places for it to hide and swim in and out of, and there’s even something that might be like… a giant dragon head and a treasure chest and all that good shit.

He’s very proud of it. 

So he takes a picture and sends it to Cass. 

And, because he can, he takes a picture of Aria as she makes a cooing noise at Cass Jr in the fish tank. (Despite her earlier reservations, she is quite fond of the fish.) 

This, too, gets sent to Cass. 

And then, after that, he starts to take pictures of everything. 

Just like his voicemails, it’s any stupid, mundane thing that he sees of any remote interest. 

A picture of the tap in the ship that is _still leaking can you believe it I thought we got it fixed_. A picture of the statues in the garden with filters that gave them funny faces. Pictures of AuDy and Aria around the ship without them noticing. 

He sends them as he’s leaving the voicemails. He sends them after he gets out of meetings with clients -- hell, once or twice he’s sent them during meetings (Orth wasn’t too happy about having the camera in his face for that one and it was very blurry but it was  _ very funny  _ and _totally worth it_.) 

Between the slew of pictures and voicemails, Cass texts him back. 

_So you are capable of texting_ , they tease, and so Mako does the mature thing and sends an emoji back. He knows that Cass has a hard time interpreting them, but at least they’re better than AuDy. _Why don’t you just do this instead of voicemails?_

Mako considers this for all of two seconds before dismissing it as a stupid suggestion. He can text as easily as he can talk. Being a Stratus makes them kind of one and the same thing, so it’s not like one is particularly easier on him. 

_ Because I like listening to myself talk and it’s all on you that you listen to the messages I leave. _

There. Ball in their court now. Mako still doesn’t buy the excuse that they gave -- that they do it because the messages are boring. 

Cass clearly enjoys listening to the messages, though if it’s sadistic sort of torture or that they genuinely miss The Chime (Mako knows better than to hope that they miss him), it has yet to be seen. 

* * *

The voicemail tag continues, though it’s generally five or six messages from Mako before one from Cass gets squeezed in. But they have made more of an effort to start calling, and Mako is utterly delighted that he can wake up the next morning to see a message from Cass.

He wonders if they get the same way coming home and seeing a message from him--no, nooooope. Bad. That isn’t a good path to think down. 

So instead Mako continues to send picture and continues to leave voicemails and continues to hope that he can actually find out that answer. 


	13. Chapter 13

_ “--And that’s just way too many, you know? At home, there were just three options, and you picked the one based on the occasion. End of story.”_ Cass hesitates at the end of a voicemail before saying goodnight (“ _Or, I suppose, good morning,_ ” they’ll always correct with a chuckle). Mako listens to the silence, wonders what’s going to come next. 

_ “Alright, you’re going to have to humor me here. Thank you for the pictures. They mean a lot to me, and it really makes me miss everyone. You know, when I’m not being bombarded by your stupid memes in the group chat.” _

Mako grins to himself. So Cass  _ does _ miss them, after all! They can joke all they want about how the Chime is a dysfunctional mess, but it doesn’t stop the fact that they are a part of this mess. 

_ “But…”  _ they continue, and Mako feels his grin start to slip. Ah, is this it? Is this when they tell him to stop?  _ I miss you, but-- “Why are there no pictures of you? I know you’re not camera shy. Just… curious.” _

The rest of the message ends in their familiar parting, though the tone is stilted and a little embarrassed. 

And Mako thinks his brain might be broken. 

Did… Cass just ask for a picture of him? 

Alright, reevaluate the details: 

One: Cass flirted with him on the phone when they actually managed to talk to one another. 

Two: Cass has not yet told him to stop the messages. 

Two point one: Cass actually  _ listens _ to the messages. 

Three: Cass wants him to send pictures of himself. 

Conclusion: ??????????????? 

Mako doesn’t know how to figure this out. The details and the plans were all Cass' job, and they’re currently the one making this a very difficult thing to figure out. 

And just  _ what sort of pictures  _ are they looking for? 

Normal ones? Him on a job? Him taking a selfie with the statues in the park and swapping their faces? 

Or… did they expect….? 

Well, that wasn’t covered in hookup culture 101. That was perhaps another thing in another lesson that they never got to because Mako didn’t want to keep thinking about it. 

Mako doesn’t know what to do, and he doesn’t know how to figure it out. 

* * *

He attempts to take a few normal pictures at first, but the only thing feels… cheap? Indifferent? He finds something wrong with all of the selfies he takes, even if they’re ones he would normally send to any other friend. 

But this isn’t just  _ any _ friend. This is  _Cass_. And this involves sending selfies to someone he has a massive crush on. 

So they can’t just be  _ any _ pictures. They have to be  _ good _ pictures. Cute, kinda flirty, ones that would make Cass notice him. 

( _Hey_ , the voice in the back of his head says. _Wasn’t that why you started the hookups in the first place? To get them to notice you?_ ) 

( _Fuck off_ , Mako tells that voice.) 

* * *

Okay, calling it  _ breaking in _ would imply that there was a lock on the door in the first place. The Kingdom Come is a piece of shit, and the locks don’t really work. If you wanted privacy, you just closed your door and the others left you alone. 

When Cass left, they left their door closed. Not locked, because there are no locks. And if they didn’t want Mako going through their stuff, they would have said something before they had left. 

Right? 

Mako has been in and out over the last few weeks. Sometimes to just stand in the room, still, silent, as if he had forgotten why he had come in there, before he realized what he was doing. 

Once, he goes in there looking for something specific -- this upcoming job required clothes that are… outside of Mako’s broad wardrobe options, to put it mildly. Classy, dark colors, preferably no patterns. 

Shit, how did people live like this?? 

So he raided Cass' wardrobe and stole an old sweater they hadn’t seen him wear in all the time knowing them. 

They couldn’t miss it, and he could always return it before they got back to the Kingdom Come. None the wiser. 

* * *

Mako sits on his bed now, door closed, locked to the best of his ability, and wearing the sweater. He’s warm and tingly from the three shots he downed before retreating to his room. 

(It doesn’t stop the faint whisper in the back of his head telling him that this might be a bad idea.)

The sweater is too big, because Cass is taller, broader shouldered, and more muscular. They have a soldier’s body. Mako is… small, scrawny, the kind of person that could be considered in shape if only through a poor diet and having to run a lot for work. 

The sweater slips off his shoulders. No matter how many times he tries to adjust it, it just keeps slipping down. Is it a scoop neck? Is it supposed to be worn over some kind of collared button down? Not really Cass’ style, so all the more reason that they won’t miss it. 

He tries a few shots but they all look dumb. What he wouldn’t do for one of those tiny little drones that could take pictures for him, but then that might give the wrong impression (also, they were expensive, and he was already in tech debt). 

Mako tries a few just sitting there, wearing the sweater, his usual cheer and goofy expression. They don’t feel right. That’s not the kind of mood he’s going for. 

What is the mood he wants? 

Sultry? 

Can he even do something like that? 

Mako wishes he had more to drink before attempting this. 

He pulls off his shirt from beneath the sweater and lets it slip down his shoulder, revealing a swatch of his pale blue skin. The hem cuts a nice path across his clavicle, and Cass has always liked leaving a few kisses there. 

He tries again. 

Almost there. 

( _Alright, no, but really, what is the look that you’re going for?_ ) 

( _I said fuck off._ )

Uncertain, nervous, Mako kicks off his pants and settles more comfortably into the bed. The sweater is long enough that it goes over his hips and a little down his thighs. 

He takes a few pictures and… well… they look  _good_. They look really good. Cass would like these, right? 

Shit, do they even want pictures like this? What would they do with them? Would they touch themselves, thinking about Mako, thinking about those times when they were together. What could have been, if they hadn’t put up those unspoken barriers. 

Their mouth leaving marks just above the sloping shoulder of the sweater -- bites and bruises visible on his pale skin, showing themselves every time the fabric slips from its place. Their hands stroking up his thighs, rucking the sweater over his hips to reveal the erection beneath. 

Mako reaches a hand down between his legs, slips it beneath the elastic of his boxers, wondering what Cass would think to see him like this. Would they like it? Tell him to keep going, to keep stroking--

He digs his heels into the mattress as his hips twitch beneath his own hand. His legs look shorter, smaller, in this oversized sweater, and he suddenly feels very childish. 

His hand snaps away as if burned, and he sits there, trembling, wondering just what the fuck he thinks he’s doing. 

Of course Cass wouldn’t like this. 

Of course Cass wouldn’t like _him_. 

They put up with him because he asked and they know, logically, that yes: Sex is a good way to relieve stress. They’re older, classier, a goddamn scion of a royal line. 

And Mako is…

He deletes the pictures. All of them. 

He tugs the sweater off over his head and tosses the offending thing in the corner. 

Mako dresses quickly and goes out to get drunk. 

* * *

He decides to call Cass when he’s out, because he’s nothing if not self-destructive. 

Someone cute at the bar buys him a drink, then another, but Mako knows his limits and he tells them ‘no’ when they get too cozy. But he’s in a good mood (if by good mood he means feeling detached enough from his body that he can tolerate being in it long enough to make the call, then yes), and the phone rings rings rings rings “ _You have reached the voicemail box for Cass. Please leave a message and I will get back to you as soon as I can._ ”

Mako laughs, because shit, even their voicemail messages are so completely different. Cass is way out of his league, but what the hell, right? 

“Okay, I send pictures of everyone else because I gotta be fair, you know. You can see everyone, even if you don’t return the favor and send pictures of yourself, but that’s fine, I don’t think I’d show it to them anyway. Our secret, remember?” He giggles again. No, he most certainly would not show the pictures to anyone else. He wonders if Cass would have sent pictures if he had asked. “But I get to talk to you over the phone. I don’t want to weigh your allegiance too far in my favor. I know, I know. I’m so ridiculously handsome that it’s hard to think about anything comparing to me.” 

Mako breaks down into more giggles and tries to order another drink before remembering he’s still on the phone. He drops his voice so the bartender can’t hear, hiccups, and whispers in a conspiratorial tone. “This way, I get to keep the sound of you to myself. I think I’m really the one winning here.” 

He hangs up as the drink is delivered. Then he turns his phone off, because he doesn’t want to do anything stupid, even if he is still connected to the Mesh and could easily use that to send a message. 

In the end, he has three more drinks (at least one was provided by some other cute person, but honestly, he lost track) before stumbling home and passing out on his bed.


	14. Chapter 14

“Mako!” 

“I’ve got it.” 

Again, louder. “Mako!!” 

“Aria, I said I’ve-- Ouch!!” The wire snaps and a jolt of electricity bites at his fingers. “Shit. Ouch.” 

She’s at his side and her arms are around his shoulders, pulling him away. “We can’t get out this way.” 

“No one tells me that I can’t do anything,” he counters, pushes up his metaphorical sleeves (because it’s like pushing ninety degrees in this room right now who has time for that sleeve bullshit) and turns back to the holo-screen. “Now please keep them busy--” 

Aria shrieks as something behind them explodes and Mako is, unfortunately, forced to face the realization that he can’t do something. 

They make a run for it. 

They don’t get far before they hit a wall and Mako pulls up short, swearing and mind frantically trying to find the answer to the puzzle. 

_ How do we get out??  _

Ridiculously, frustratingly, Cass’ voice is in his head telling him to calm down. To think about this rationally. 

_ You ever play chess?  _

“The fuck kind of question is that,” he mutters. 

“What?” Aria practically shrieks. In her defense, there is an alarm blaring very obnoxiously and making it hard to think. “Mako?!” 

“Two minutes!” he shouts back, but then the countdown from sixty begins and the two of them share a look. 

_ Sometimes sacrifices got to be made. The bishop for the queen. _ _   
_

Oh. Okay. Fuck. 

“Aria, you’re going to have to trust me on this.” 

_ Forty-two. Forty-one. Forty. _

She looks like she’s about to cry, but she snaps her jaw shut and nods, once. 

“You have to get out of here without me.” 

“Okay, what?”

He’s not looking at her. He’s too busy trying to fight the timer.  _ Thirty-three. Thirty-two. Thirty-one. Thirty. _ “You have twenty seconds to start running. I can keep the cameras off you. They’ll stay on me.” 

“That means that they’ll find you.” 

Finally, Mako does look. He’s not sure what sort of expression he’s making, because she flinches back at the sight. “Then they’ll fucking find me. You have the plans. You have the schematics. I can do two things at once, which means that I can stand here and erase my involvement and erase you, but I can’t get rid of all of us at once.” 

_ Sixteen. Fifteen. Fourteen. _

She opens her mouth and Mako shoves her. 

“Go!” 

Aria nods and turns on her heel. 

_ Ten. Nine. Eight. _

She’s gone, and he lets the door slam shut behind her. 

And then he starts working. The minute falters at six seconds. Then, because he can, it starts counting back up the scale.  _ Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten.  _

Mako holds off their systems for three minutes before he drops the walls and grins, waiting to be found. 

* * *

“I’ll take him from here, thanks fellas,” Paisley says, and he ruffles Mako’s hair as he stands sheepishly at his side.

It’s an effort not to reach up and swat his hand away. 

Paisley’s hand moves to between his shoulders in a way that he supposes should be comforting, but is more like a pointed shove as they make their way out of the building. “That was an interesting method.” 

“It’s what I had to do.” 

“What, getting caught?” 

“Ensure Aria’s retreat.” 

He gives Mako a strange look, and Mako returns it with as much sullen glaring as he can manage. “Hm.” 

“What?” 

“Nothing, Mako.” 

“Paisley, you can’t just look at me and hum like you’ve just seen a new sort of species and then  _ not tell me what you mean. _ ” He’s tired. He’s so tired and he just wants to go home. It’s late and he’s tired and he wants to punch somebody in the face. 

Good thing Paisley is hot, even with that somewhat condescending smile he’s giving Mako. It would be a shame to punch that face. 

“Nothing is what I meant.” He holds up a hand before Mako can protest. “I was just thinking that you sounded remarkably like Cass with that comment.” 

Whatever it is that Mako wanted to say, he swallows it back down and glares at the sidewalk before him. “How did you know to come get me?” 

“Aria gave me a call. Told me you were caught. I had to call in a few favors to get you.” 

Mako feels small and insignificant. The victory he felt at being able to save Aria and the data feels like a mistake, like nothing that mattered. In his head, he hears  _ it’s your fault this went wrong. It’s your fault, you should have done better. _

And maybe he should have. 

Or maybe they shouldn’t have taken the job that they knew they couldn’t do properly. 

God, why is it so hard to say no to Paisley? He and Aria are both at fault for this. 

“Thanks for the pick-up. I’ve got it from here.” Mako shoves his hands into his pockets, wishes he had his Ring of Saturn, and picks up the pace so that he passes Paisley. 

He reaches out and catches Mako’s elbow. “Listen. Don’t beat yourself up over this.” 

“I’m not.” 

Paisley huffs, frustrated. “Mako, let me walk you back to the ship.” 

He shakes off the hand. “I’ll be fine. Thanks. Aria will call you tomorrow to organize a pick up for the info.” Without waiting for an answer, he takes off at a jog down the street. 

It’s late, the streets are empty, and his throat burns as he swallows down the yell that begs to be released.


	15. Chapter 15

He slips into the ship on silent feet. Aria is talking to someone in the common room, but there’s no audible response, so it’s not AuDy. Mako passes the door to his room without hesitating and moves to Cass’ instead. 

Aria wouldn’t think to look for him here. 

Still, he logs into the Mesh and manages to set up some level of security just in case she wants to snoop. 

Mako sits down on the edge of the bed, gulping down breaths of air. Trying to steady himself, to calm down. 

He won’t cry. He’s not a child. 

Breathe in, breathe out. 

Call Cass. 

“ _You have reached the voicemail box for Cass. Please leave a message and I will get back to you as soon as I can._ ”

He hates that even that message can calm him down. What had happened to that plan to get over them? Probably abandoned somewhere around the first two weeks of their absence. 

“Okay, hey, so. I thought more about that spicerack bullshit that you were on about earlier, and I have an opinion or two about it.” It’s easy to slip into the banter. It’s easier to think about something that isn’t serious and isn’t frustrating and demeaning and--

Mako doesn’t know how long he’s been talking before he suddenly falls silent. 

Every word evaporates from his head.

All he wants is to talk to Cass, to know that everything is okay. That  _ he’s _ okay, that they’re okay. That this weight on his chest will go away if only he says something about it. 

He pulls one of the pillows up against his chest, clinging to it and resting his chin against it. “Hey, Cass?” he finally asks, hating the way that his voice breaks on their name. “I know that… this sounds really dumb. Okay, and in before you say, ‘Why Mako, you always say dumb things’,” he adds, doing his best Grumpy Cass impression. “But… A lot has happened over the last month. You know that. I’ve been keeping you updated.” 

Mako runs his hand back through his hair, and it shakes. “The problem is that I always expect to hear you with one of your dry comments. Or that I’d turn around and see you with that smirk you have when you’re being smug about something but you’re still too dignified to say ‘I told you so’.” 

With a sigh, he flops back onto the mattress and stares up at the ceiling. “Or your hands.” A beat later, he realizes what he said. “Shit, and I don’t even mean that I miss them in a dirty way, though yeah, that too, while I’m at it. But you’re always so calm and in control and that’s what I miss the most, just....” He gestures at the ceiling, traces the shape of Cass’ jaw in the air above him. “How you could touch me, a hand on the arm or whatever, and I could feel that calm rub off on me. And it’s dumb to wonder… when you’ll come back -- when you’ll come home.” 

He closes his eyes and rubs his forehead. The other keeps the pillow clutched to his chest. And what the hell. The weight hasn’t eased. He feels like shit. He keeps the memory of Cass lying across from him on their bed asking  _ why don’t you like to be kissed _ on loop and wondering what would have happened if he said  _ I want to kiss you  _ instead of whatever dumb shit he did say. 

“At this point,” he starts, slowly, “I think you’re like 85 percent of my impulse control, one, because I have to give Aria and AuDy some credit, and two, because each day you’re not here, I get this crazy idea in my head that the next time I see you, I’m going to kiss you.” Mako makes a frustrated sound and scrubs his face. “Like, shove you up against a wall and kiss you. Probably even before debriefing -- wild, I know. Keep your pants on Mister By-The-Rules-Gotta-Tell-Everything-To-The-Higher-Ups-Straightaway,” he adds with a laugh. 

“Probably even in front of everyone, I don’t know, I told you, it’s a crazy idea that just gets worse because you’re not here.” 

Mako takes a breath and it wavers and shit, he should end the call before he breaks. “I miss you, Cass. I hope you can come home soon.” 

He tosses the phone aside and curls up in on himself, clutching the pillow tightly to his chest. 

He doesn’t cry. He makes a pointed effort to _not cry_. But it doesn’t stop the empty, hollow feeling from echoing around his chest. 

The tears come anyway. 

“Shit…” he mutters. His head feels heavy and fuzzy, and there’s a crick forming in his lower back from the way he’s curled. It’s too much effort to go back to his room now, so he kicks off his shoes and tosses his jacket at the floor and crawls under the covers. Besides, Cass’ bed is far more comfortable, though he doesn’t know what to do with all this space. 

Mako debates trying to find some stupid or funny videos to cheer himself up until a notification for the group chat appears from Cass, mentioning something that happened at work with the AI. 

Oh. That means that they’re home. Which means they’re going to listen to the voicemails. 

Swearing under his breath, Mako sends a quick text to them.  _ Hey, like. Just ignore that last voicemail. I was just being a little grumpy about dumb things so don’t worry about it.  _

Then, a second one,  _ Please don’t worry about it, really. _

Yeah. That’s good. 

It’s not, because a second later, the phone lights back up and Cass’ contact picture (a shot of them not quite smiling but looking fondly at their tablet as they work on the Megalophile. Mako remembers taking this picture, especially because the serene expression only lasted until they noticed that Mako was there with his phone in hand) fills his screen. 

His heart does something funny inside his chest, because he’s crying, he’s angry, and more than anything, it’s this picture that breaks the final straw that’s keeping him together. 

He accepts the call without thinking. “Cass?” There’s a beat, and then, forcing any other emotion other than the one he’s feeling, “Oh, you got my messages?” 

They must be caught off-guard because there’s a pause. “ _Yeah--_ ” they say, voice faint. 

Mako checks the texts. “Wait, no, you didn’t read them, there’s no read receipt! So what are you--” 

“ _Mako_.” 

His breath catches in his throat. 

“ _What’s wrong?_ ” 

And fuck, they actually sound worried. Which means they listened to the voicemail. So… well… might as well be honest. He already spilled part of his guts into the message. “I just got back from a job.” 

“ _It’s late._ ” 

“Yeah. I know.” He had to be exchanged at late hours like contraband. So that meant stewing in silence in their holding facility until the call came. 

“ _You should sleep._ ” 

“I don’t want--” he starts, then bites back the rest of the complaint. “I want to talk to you. I’m too angry right now to sleep.” 

There’s a pause and then distant sounds of movement. “ _Alright. Let’s talk. What happened?_ ”

Mako has to steady himself, making sure that his voice will hold. He swipes at the tears with the palm of his hand. “Got back from a job. It… didn’t go well.” Understatement. 

“ _Are you okay?_ ” Cass asks without hesitation, and Mako’s lips twitch into a smile. “ _Is everyone okay?_ ” 

“They’re fine,” he reassures, hoping that the unspoken  _ I’m fine _ is heard. “We’re fine. It was… I don’t know what happened. I don’t think it was a job for just two of us, but we needed someone on the outside and so AuDy had to be on the outside. Aria was able to get out okay, but I had to stay behind to ensure her retreat.” 

He winces as soon as he says that. That’s what made Paisley think of Cass, so what would Cass actually think?

They don’t say anything for a moment, but when they do, it’s a gentle prompting. “ _And?_ ” 

“And I got caught, but I was able to get out of the most secure section so it just kind of looked like I was a punk snooping where I wasn’t supposed to be.” 

Cass makes a sound in the back of their throat. “ _Well, I mean, that’s not wrong._ ” 

Mako snorts out a laugh before he can stop himself. “Don’t make me laugh. I want to be angry.”

“ _Sorry, sorry,_ ” they say, clearly not all that sorry, and the tension in Mako’s chest eases just a bit. “ _How did you get back?_ ” 

He sighs in frustration. “Fucking Paisley had to come pick me up. He has like contacts at the company we were infiltrating or something, so Aria called him.” He smacks the pillow and grips at the case. “He just swans in with his stupidly charming smile and ruffles my hair! Like I’m six years old or some shit. I felt like a goddamn kid who had been sent to the principal’s office.

Mako sits up and hugs his knees to his chest, picking at the sheet that’s draped over his lap. Now that he’s started, he can’t hold back the words. “You wanna know the worst part? I don’t even really know what it’s like to have to be sent to the principal’s office and have to wait for your parents to come pick you up -- but this is what it felt like.” He stares up at the ceiling, chin resting on his knees. “I’m not saying that I was a model student, I mean, I was, I don’t know, school was complicated. But September doesn’t let anyone on campus that isn’t a student. I’m sure my parents would have loved to come pick me up and scold me on the way home, except that it would have taken like three fucking months for them to get permission to get onto the campus when it wasn’t one of the open days.”

He’s drained after that rant, and flops over onto his side with an annoyed sigh. “It’s just…” He struggles to figure out how to put what he’s feeling into words. “It’s not the same without you here, Cass.” 

“ _I would have just been one more disapproving adult to come pick you up from the principal’s office.”_

Mako laughs, and the tension continues to unravel in his chest. “I don’t think I would have ended up there if you were here. We would have had a better plan. We would have had you.” 

They breathe deep. “ _You’re good now, though? I mean, you’re okay. You’re back on the ship?”_

“Yeah, I’m…” Mako glances around Cass’ room. “I’m home.” A groan escapes him as he realizes how stupid that sounds. He rubs a hand over his face and dances around the subject. “I’m just in bed now and couldn’t sleep. So I thought I’d call.” 

“ _I’m glad you did._ ” 

“Yeah…” He takes a moment to gather the courage to ask. “Did you listen to the voicemails?” 

There’s a pause. “ _I did.”_

Mako swallows. “Sorry, I wasn’t… I wasn’t in a really good place for a moment there. I’m better now. You can just ignore them--” 

_ “Mako--” _

He shuts up, immediately, heart in his throat. 

_ “About what you said…”  _

“Er, which bit? You’re going to have to be more specific. I said a lot, and I’m trying to ask you to ignore most of it--” 

_ “About kissing me.” _

Fuck. “Oooooh…” Fuckfuckfuck-- “Okay yeah uh. Uhhh. I don’t have a good excuse for that. Sorry, that’s one of the things you can ignore.” 

Cass makes a strange noise that kind of sounds like it is strangled out of them.  _ “What if… What if I wanted to kiss you?”  _

Mako’s brain short-circuits and it takes several precious seconds before it kicks back into action and suddenly he’s grinning like an idiot. “Yeah?” 

_ “If you’re just going to poke fun at it--” _

“No, shit. Shit. Uhhhhahaha. Really?” He’s giddy and anxious and nervous all at once and this mix is a far better feeling than how he started the evening. 

_ “Really what?” _

He rolls his eyes but can’t stop smiling. “Do you really want to kiss me?” 

_ “Well, I mean…” _ They hesitate awkwardly and Mako doesn’t let himself think about what it could mean.  _ “Do you really want to--”  _

“Yes,” he says without hesitation. He can’t stop thinking about that first kiss Cass gave him, the only one he let himself have. How it made his knees weak and his heart hurt with the idea that this couldn’t be his all the time. “Yeah, I… I really want to.” 

He should have said yes to Cass all those months ago when they lay in their bed. 

_ “Oh,” _ they say, surprised. Pleasantly surprised, Mako hopes. 

And, always one to throw himself off a limb in hopes that someone will catch him, Mako ventures even further. “Can… I kiss you now?” 

Cass’ breath audibly catches in their throat.  _ “I mean--As much as I appreciate the thought, I don’t think you can--”  _

“No, okay. Hold on.” Mako licks his lips and can’t decide what sort of grin he’s making. He’s also trying hard not to laugh. “Let’s see if I still know how to do this.” 

He ignores Cass’ protests and hopes that this works because otherwise the joke is lost. Mako lets out a breath and presses his lips to his forearm. Whatever it was they were saying is lost in a tangle, and Mako allows a small grin in victory. 

It’s a trick he learned back at school to freak out some of the teachers and other students. But instead of just mimicking the sounds, now he gets to pretend that he’s kissing Cass. He doesn’t have enough experience kissing them to know what it would be like, but he has had enough time to daydream about it. 

Their lips are soft, smooth -- unlike Mako’s, always chapped and dry as he chews or picks at them too often. Their cool hands cupping his jaw, tilting his face up to the proper angle. Kissing him like they have all the time in the world. Licking their way into his mouth. 

And, because he’s being self-indulgent and self-destructive in one go, Mako casts the pillow from his lap and lets his other hand slide down the front of his pants. He definitely remembers what their hands feel like on him, and he lets out an involuntary gasp at the first touch of his own fingers. 

He can regret this later, because right now, all he can focus on is the sound of Cass’ stuttered breathing on the other end of the line. 

Mako continues the kisses on his arm, distantly aware that it might actually bruise as his fingers stroke gently across the hardening length. Each teasing touch causes his breath to catch in his throat, but he doesn’t even try to hold the sounds back. Let them think what they want. 

Right now, Mako wants to pretend that they’re kneeling over him. Their hand, their lips, their-- 

“ _Mako, knock that off--_ ” they finally say, voice soft. Not angry, but vaguely disappointed. “ _You sound obscene.”_

He laughs despite himself -- perhaps it’s because he’s too tightly wound to even care. He pulls his hand free, but not with the same disgust as the time he had been taking the pictures. “Alright, listen. I know first hand what you can do with that mouth of yours,” he says with a smirk, thinking back to that one  _ really good _ moment. “Now  _ that’s _ obscene.” 

Cass is silent for a few tense seconds before scoffing.  _ “What?! What does that even mean??!! What are you even doing?” _

“Like I said! Pretend this is me kissing you!” Mako brings his arm back to his mouth but decides that the moment has run it’s course. “Mmmmuah!” He licks his arm and makes another loud lip-smacking kiss. “Muah! Muah muah--” 

Cass has started laughing, so Mako carries on with whatever sort of weird other sounds he can think of to make.  _ “That is clearly far too much tongue from the sound of it.”  _

Mako is laughing too hard to try and keep up the noises, and he has a hard time catching his breath to speak. “You’re a fish. I thought you liked things wet.” 

This time, they let out a sputtered shock of protest.  _ “MAKO TRIG--” _ they shout, every syllable laced with laughter.  _ “What the hell!”  _

He can’t answer. He’s laughing too hard, rolling into his side away from the phone. His sides hurt and the tears are back in his eyes, but they’re from laughing this time. From the phone, they can hear Cass’ laughter echoing into the room as well. 

“I’m kissing my arm,” he explains around the lingering giggles. “I saw something somewhere about how you can mimic kissing sounds by doing that.” 

_ “Why?” _ Their voice is muffled, but the laughter is still audible.  _ “Why would you even want or need to know how to do that?” _

“Um,” Mako starts, gesturing at nothing. Yep, there’s a red mark on his arm. He’ll have to wear something to cover it so Aria doesn’t ask questions. “Clearly, for moments like these.” 

The laughter renews, and Mako laughs so hard that he gets hiccups and nothing he can do can try and fix them. Each time he tries to speak and he hiccups instead, it just makes the giggles worse. 

He has to hold his breath for a few seconds to try and even maintain enough composure to speak. “Hey, next time…” He stops. No, he doesn’t want to think about their arrangement as as ‘next time’. “When I get to see you next…” No, that’s not right either. He sighs. Tries again. 

“Days like today… Are especially hard without you here. And the tension has been slowly building up the last few weeks.” He bites his lip and can’t hold back the sigh. “I’ve gotten used to our arrangement, that now I have all this--” 

“ _Pent up sexual frustration?”_

“No!” He thinks a second. “Maybe. I don’t know. Is that the medical term?” 

Cass hums, but doesn’t offer a better answer. 

Fine. “Whatever. I’m just very anxious without you here. That’s all.” 

_ “Really?” _ Even on that one word, Mako can hear the teasing tone, but it’s the same type of tone they used when flirting. So, that’s okay, right? “ _ Because I’ve been so relaxed, it’s almost like a vacation--” _

Mako let’s all of breath leave him in a whine. “Caaaaaaaaaaaassssssssss!!” 

They chuckle, and the sound is so fond that Mako feels their absence like a physical ache.  _ “I’m kidding. You’ve definitely made sure that I haven’t had a moment’s rest.” _

“Shut upppp!” 

_ “Mako?” _

“Hmmm?” 

“ _Get some sleep.”_

Mako laughs, because he knows he should. It’s somewhere after three am. He tilts his head to the side and looks at the phone on the pillow beside him. “Alright. I suppose I will have to settle for this without you here.” 

“ _You seemed to do quite a decent job of kissing yourself.”_

The laughter brings another hiccup. “Fuck you, I’m a great kisser.” 

_ “Is this because you’re asking yourself, or…?”  _

“I’ll show you,” Mako says, pointing at the phone like he could jab his finger into Cass’ chest. “When you get back. I’ll do what I said I’ll do. And I’ll show you just how good I am at it.” 

_ “Alright,” _ they say fondly.  _ “I’ll hold you to that.” _

Mako opens his mouth to respond but a yawn takes over. Alright, maybe he is tired. “See that you do, alright? Remember what I said: You’re my impulse control.” He should stop talking. He should just hang up and end the conversation before he says anything else dumb. 

They chuckle.  _ “I thought that means I’m supposed to stop you from doing things.”  _

“You’re supposed to control where I put my attention. And if that means into kissing you, then that’s fine too.” God, that’s such a dumb thing to say, but he can’t stop the lightness flooding his body. 

_ “Go to sleep before you talk any more crazy talk.”  _

Maybe this is some form of crazy, sleep deprived talk. He meant every word of it, but perhaps he shouldn’t have said it while exhausted. “Yeah, okay. G’night, Cass. Thanks for calling me.” 

_ “Goodnight, Mako. I’m glad you’re feeling better.” _

He smiles, and the lightness turns to a soft warmth. “All thanks to you, Doc. All thanks to you.” He reaches out and ends the call, then lets his arm drape across his eyes. 

Mako stays in Cass’ room that night, letting the memory of their voice and their touch follow him to sleep. 


	16. Chapter 16

Looking forward to Cass’ messages are what makes his days better, and it’s kind of sad to realize that. But Mako knows that he’s not… He knows that he’s not doing well. Things have been moving too fast for the Chime at large, and no one has given him the opportunity he needs to sit down and just  _ breathe. _

So he holds his breath and keeps running, and Cass’ voice is a soft breeze that helps him wind down. 

Mako switches his sleep schedule, going to bed later so that he has more of a chance to be up and actually talk to Cass. He’ll take jobs that require being out at night or the late afternoon, so long as he can be free after midnight. 

He wonders for a moment if he’s like that old story of the girl who has to leave before midnight, but then no -- everything up until that moment is just routine. It’s just going through the motions. It’s after midnight that he gets to talk to Cass. 

It’s not a good concept, but it’s the only thing that keeps him on his feet, so he keeps going. 

* * *

He tries not to have another breakdown on the phone like he has before. Tension runs through him like a current, but even talking to Cass helps improve that. And he doesn’t hesitate to let them know when he’s not doing well, because then they will tell him a story about what happened that day in the office, or something one of their coworkers did.

Sometimes, they can hear it in his voice. Sometimes, they ask what is wrong, and let him talk. 

Mako doesn’t know how he ever thought he could  _ not _ be in love with Cass, because it seems like every time they talk he just falls a little deeper. 

* * *

“Cass?”

_ “Hm?” _

“I don’t really feel like talking.” 

_ “Do you want me to hang up?” _

Mako makes a sound in the back of his throat. “No. I just want to listen to you.” 

_ “Is everything okay?”  _

He makes the sound again, and burrows deeper into the blankets. He’s been spending more and more time in Cass’ room, but that also seems to correlate more and more often with how his mental state is doing. “I guess. It’s just been a little lonely, lately.” 

_ “Did you know that one of my coworkers tried to set me up with her daughter?” _ they say.  _ “I’ve only been here, what, barely two months? And she thinks that her daughter and I would ‘be a good match’.” _

“Yeah? And what did you tell her?” 

They hum, and Mako can hear the sound of a knife chopping something on the other end. They must be making dinner, despite the hour.  _ “I told her that I wasn’t interested of course.” _

“Of course.” 

And then, shyly,  _ “I told her that I was seeing someone else.” _

Mako’s heart skips a beat and he wonders if this is helping or worsening the lonely feeling. “You should really try to come up with a better lie.” 

_ “I suppose that remains to be seen.” _

He closes his eyes, and listens as Cass chops vegetables and tells the story about how there was a heated debate around the water cooler and something involving apples. 

* * *

“When are you coming home?” Mako asked one day, the words tumbling out of his mouth before he can stop them.

_ “I don’t know. You know I don’t know.” _

“I know, it’s just…” 

_ “Mako.” _

He sighs at the sound of his name. Cass has a strange way of saying it, the vowels a little different than the common pronunciation. They drag the ‘o’ out a little longer and the ‘a’ is a bit nasal. “Cass.” 

_ “You’ll tell me if anything is wrong, won’t you?” _

What did he do to deserve this? Why do they automatically assume that something must have gone wrong? 

_ “And I don’t just mean if another job goes south.” _

“Uh-huh. Sure, Doc.” 

They chuckle.  _ “I’m not the kind of doctor that will be able to help you with anything that isn’t a physical ailment, but I will listen. It’s all I can do from here.” _

“And when you get back?” 

_ “When I get back, well…” _ Cass sighs.  _ “I haven’t decided what order things will happen in once I get back, but I think we’ll at least be able to sit down and talk.” _

Mako rolls his eyes, but at least he can smile. “I don’t want to talk.” 

_ “Oh? What do you want?” _

“I’ve told you before, Impulse Control.” 

Cass laughs, the suddenness of it causing the audio to clip slightly on the call.  _ “Of course. How could I forget.” _

They say it in a way that indicates they definitely did not forget. 

* * *

Mako wonders what sort of destructive path he must be on.

He wants to be able to talk to someone else about it, but he can’t tell Aria and he can’t tell AuDy. Because that means revealing things that he doesn’t want revealed or aren’t his to tell -- it would mean telling others about the arrangement without consulting Cass about it, and he’s not about that life. 

He supposes he could actually  _ go _ to someone that’s a professional, who would be able to sit him down and help him work out his headspace. 

But that’s too much time, and he doesn’t have that kind of time. It’s too much effort and money and why bother when he can just talk to Cass. 

Or, more recently, Cass Jr, when it’s something that he doesn’t even want to tell Cass. 

“Do you think they like me?” he asks the fish, palms on the table and chin on the backs of his hands. The ship is empty, or else he would never dream of saying this out loud. 

_ What kind of question is that? _ he answers himself, and the problem is, it sounds like himself instead of Cass. That stupid voice inside his head that is always quick to reject any of his thoughts.  _ Of course they don’t. _

“They are flirting with me, right? They want to kiss me.”

_ They also went along with the concept of fucking you because you tried to frame it in a way that sounded more appealing. _

Mako’s stomach drops to the floor, and he leaves the Kingdom Come to go for a walk -- just however long it takes until his body is so exhausted that not even his brain can think of witty comebacks. 

He doesn’t answer Cass’ call that night. 

* * *

_ “I had someone today asking me about my pasta.” _

“Were you making that weird black pasta that you like?” 

There’s a beat, then,  _ “Yes.” _

“Okay, well, there’s your first problem,” Mako says, laughing. “It looks weird to everyone.” 

They click their tongue disapprovingly.  _ “It is a dignified and traditional meal.” _

“Uh-huh, to fish people.” 

_ “Listen--” _

“Blub-blub-blub-blub--” 

Cass is laughing too hard to argue back. 

* * *

They talk on the phone almost every night, if their schedules allow it. Or, in Mako’s case, if his thoughts are up to it. Even on those nights, he figures that it’s better to lie there and listen to Cass than to be left alone with his own thoughts chasing themselves in negative circles.

It’s always too late for Mako, and late after a long day for Cass, so their talks will sometimes slip into extended silences as they run out of energy, but neither of them are willing to hang up. 

Mako leaves the phone next to him, and will use the device instead of his implant to talk. This way, he can trick himself into thinking that he’s not alone. 

Cass’ voice, calm and measured, filling the silence of the room. Their gentle breathing as they slip into sleep, those rare few times when they drift off before Mako. Or, more often, when Mako awakes with a start. Their breaths are what bring him back to the present, remind him of where he is. 

They talk about everything they can think of. Work, people they both know, people that one or the other doesn’t. They talk about music, and food, and movies, and Mako talks about how he wants to go on a vacation after all this. 

“It’ll be your time to work a lot of different jobs and I’ll go off undercover.” 

_ “I’m not on vacation.”  _

“Oh? Silly me, I seem to remember you saying that you felt like you were on vacation because you were away from me.” 

A huff of laughter.  _ “Yes, and I’m realizing now, that it’s definitely neither of those things.” _

“I wonder if we should go somewhere.” 

Cass doesn’t say anything, and Mako trips over himself to explain. “I mean. We could all use a break, right? Once you get back, just take this payout and--” 

_ “I think I’d like to go on a trip,” _ they say, thoughtful, like they’re not sure they’re saying the right words for the situation. 

‘With you’ remains unspoken, but the weight of it hangs in the moments of silence as they keep talking. 

* * *

“Hey…”

_ “Hmm?” _

“Do you think that… this is going to work out?” 

_ “What do you mean?” _

What  _ does _ he mean? It’s a broad question that he hadn’t considered the divisions to before talking. “I mean… with the AI. With your job.” 

They hum in thought again. They came off an extended shift at work, and are having a hard time staying awake.  _ “I hope so. I think we’ll be fine. Besides, I have your back-up plan should something happen.” _

Mako blinks up at the ceiling. He doesn’t voice all the doubts and hesitations he has about the code that he programmed, especially in light of what they are learning about the AI. He doesn’t say that he doesn’t know what this thing is capable of, or what his own coding is capable of. 

Instead, he closes his eyes and says, “Let’s hope it doesn’t come down to that.” 


	17. Chapter 17

Off and on, Mako will bring up what he considers to be the “new arrangement”. Out with the old, in with the new, right? This one will be better, anyway.  

On days when he’s feeling like himself, when he’s feeling aligned, then he’ll ask Cass about what they promised. 

_ “Whatever do you mean?” _ they will say, light, teasing. 

“Impulse control,” Mako reminds. 

_ “Oh, right. Stopping you from doing something--” _

He laughs. “No, the opposite.” 

_ “Getting you to do something? That doesn’t sound right. And also, impossible.” _

“Listen--!” 

_ “I am. And I know that you’re only pretending to be annoyed. I can hear that smile.”  _

Cass flirts with him like it’s second nature, and Mako believes them. 

Smitten. Utterly and completely smitten. 

On the bad days, when someone else has stepped into share his already limited space and insists on talking over everyone and everything, Mako doesn't know how he can even be so dumb.   
  
_They don't mean it, not like you do. Maybe you're just a good time in bed, but nothing else._  
  
_Shut up. They said they want to kiss me._  
  
_Did they? That was more of a non-answer. They turned it right back on you. And you just tripped over yourself to answer._   
  
Desperate. Needy. Useless.   
  
"Cass?" His voice comes on a gasp, caught on a hitch of emotions as he fights to maintain control. "When are you coming home?" He needs to know how much longer before he can out the doubts to rest.   
  
They're silent, thinking, and when they speak, their voice has a tone that Mako doesn't know how to interpret but ignores the voice that says _annoyance_. _"Soon. I promise."_  
  
_Longing,_ Mako thinks.   
  
_Pity,_ the voice counters. 

* * *

On days when Mako feels confident, feels happy and flirty and can’t stop smiling, he’ll record the calls with Cass. He doesn’t consider the ramifications of it, doesn’t wonder if it’s okay to go back and listen to them.

He’ll save them for when he feels like this is all a mistake -- that he’s fucked up somehow, that the little tiny voice inside his head is right. That there’s no way that someone like  _ him _ could be loved in anything other than a superficial or physical way. 

On those nights, days, strange endless chunks of time where Mako doesn’t too sure where he begins or ends because it just reaches in to swallow him whole, he’ll listen to those messages. 

Listen to Cass’ voice without analyzing their tone. Feel the weight of their smile in their words. 

Fall in love again and again and again. 

* * *

Surprisingly, it’s a stupid little compliment that gets Mako to really lose his composure.

_ “I have faith in you and your fish raising capabilities,” _ Cass says one night after Mako concludes his small update on Cass Jr. 

AuDy and Aria have both expressed surprise at seeing the fish alive day by day, even though Aria has never once had to step in to clean the bowl or feed them. Hearing the praise from Cass is a blow to his chest that finally knocks the air loose in his ribs and he can breathe again. 

“Cass?” he asks. 

_ “Yes?” _   When Mako doesn’t reply, unable to find the words around the lump in his throat, they follow up with,  _ “Is everything okay?” _

“Yeah… I guess. I just….” Mako sighs and runs his hand over his face. “It’s getting harder and harder to-- I don’t know. Function? Cope?” He waves his hand into the space over his head, tries to put what he’s feeling into words. “You’re more than just my impulse control.” 

He hears them take a breath, but hold onto whatever they were going to say. By now, Mako’s certain that Cass knows that he’s in love, knows what the phrase ‘impulse control’ means. But they don’t say anything. 

So he keeps going, before these feelings burn a hole through his heart “I know I shouldn’t say this because I think it’s against the rules or something, but I can’t stop thinking about lying next to you.” The memories he has are the brief moments as they catch their breath before either one of them gets up to leave. But in his head, he pauses the scene.

In his version, there’s soft morning light floating in over Cass’ shoulder, making it hard to look at them. So, instead, Mako would close his eyes and tuck his head beneath their chin, enjoying their softness and gentle touch, ticking the knobs of his spine. 

He shakes his head to dislodge the image. “Which, I know, is dumb because you don’t stick around after, but--” 

_ “Mako,” _ they say, and their voice is pained, lonely, echoing the feelings that vibrate so loudly inside Mako’s head that he feels his breath catch. _“I want to be next to you. I want you here. With me.” _

Oh? Oh. Oh,  _ fuck. _

He covers his face with his hands and takes a breath, then a second one. “Your bed is stupidly big without you in it.” He fights down the wince at those words, but his heart is already leaping wildly and serves as enough of a motivation. “How do you handle all this space?” 

Their laugh is sudden, a little strained.  _ “You’re sleeping in my bed?” _

Ah, shit, why did he have to say anything. “Well, yeah. It… helps.” He stretches, a small sound escaping his lungs as he settles deeper into the blankets. It’s a warm night, so he’s sprawled on top of the sheets with the comforter kicked off to the side. “It kind of smells like you still,” he admits, head angled into the pillow. 

Sure, it’s been two months, and he has done the laundry once or twice, but there’s still the faint scent of Cass clinging to them -- the combination of the products they use on their hair or their skin, the smell of their soap and sweat, the memory of the few times they fucked on the bed hanging heavy in the air. 

There’s a soft sound from the phone, and Mako opens his eyes to stare at the device -- as if he would be able to tell what is bothering Cass. 

But, instead, their voice comes through in a low, rough tone.  _ “I would pull you in against me if I was there right now,” _ they say, and Mako suddenly forgets how to breathe.  _ “Press my chest against your back. Feel your heartbeat against my hand.” _

He lets his eyes slip shut again, and if he tries, he can imagine the comforting weight of their hand against his chest, pressing down into his heartbeat to ground him. “Mmhm?” 

_ “Mmhm. And I’ll kiss your neck, mapping a pattern that only I know across your skin. One that will make you moan and ask for again and again.” _

Mako has a hard time getting enough air into his lungs, but it’s the same sort of smothering feeling he gets every time he’s with Cass. The way that he feels like the air has been stolen right out of the room every time he looks at them. The way he feels his heart start and stop in stuttering gasps with each of their touches against his skin. 

He lifts a hand to his throat, tracing the tips of his fingers against the imaginary path as they say,  _ “And I will, lips learning the curves and taste of you. Committing it to memory for nights like these.” _

“Cass…” he starts, shifting onto his back, feet tangled in the sheets. His heart is pounding, frantic, desperate to burst from his ribs. He wonders if Cass can hear it. 

They keep going without hesitation, but their tone gets softer, rougher, as they speak.  _ “My hands playing down your chest as I kiss you. Your nipples stiff beneath my touch. Would you like it if I toyed with them a little? Teased them with my fingers, pinching them, rubbing them.”  _

Mako’s hand moves on its own, sliding up his chest beneath his shirt. His touch is too warm compared to Cass’, but their voice already has his body responding. He bites back a whimper as he scrapes a nail over the sensitive skin, the fingers of his other hand hesitating on his inner thigh. “Don’t stop,” he gasps. 

Cass chuckles, and he has to bite his cheek to keep from moaning in response.  _ “Your hips slot so nicely into mine. Did you ever notice that?” _ (He did notice, distantly.) _ “Or were you so distracted by what we were doing? As my hands slipped down your stomach, teasing you at the waistband of your shorts.” _

He rubs the heel of his hand against his growing erection. He grips at the blankets, toes curling in anticipation. 

They let out a breath, and Mako imagines them closing their eyes, head rolling forward on their neck so that their hair falls into their face. He would brush their hair back, and they would make a pleased noise as his nails ran across their scalp.  _ “God, I wonder if you would be hard by now. Even from just this little bit.” _

“Fucking… tease…” Mako says, wanting to be more annoyed, but it’s difficult. Because he is -- he is hard from just Cass’ words and his own hand. 

_ “It’s been over two months since I’ve touched you,” _ Cass murmurs, and Mako is very keenly aware of each moment that has passed.  _ “Two  _ _ long _ _ months since I had my hands on you. The skin of your thighs so warm and soft beneath me. Have you had to settle for using your hand, without me there?” _

This time, Mako can’t help the whimper as he takes himself into his hand. But it’s a soft, breathy sound that barely makes it out of his throat, tangled in emotions as it is. 

_ “Are you touching yourself now?” _

He makes a noise, unable to form the words as the first teasing strains of arousal unspool from the pit of his stomach. He wonders if he should care that they know, that they have figured out what he does when he’s in their bed. 

But they keep speaking.  _ “I can just see it now. You, naked on my bed, your entire body flushed with pleasure. And your hands on your cock as you pretend that it’s me.” _

Mako slips both hands into his shorts, tilting his head back on the pillow -- exposing the lines of his neck for lips that aren’t there. 

_ “Nothing feels right, does it? So when I get back, I’ll have you show me all the ways you touched yourself.” _ There’s a beat, and then they sigh, and it shifts into something lower, hungrier, and Mako can’t help but make the sound in return has his fingers work himself in quick, needy strokes.  _ “God, when I get back, I want to take you apart piece by piece. I want to feel every inch of you.” _ Their voice comes rough and fast, unthinking, and Mako’s hand moves in time to their words.  _ “One hand around that cock as your hips push into my grip. My fingers inside you, drawing out every sound from your throat as I kiss it, as I feel those moans and the way you say my name beneath my lips.” _

Shitshitshit 

His hands work, hard, his hips jerking beneath his attention. He digs his feet into the mattress, wishing that he had something else, something more than just his fingers. “Cass-- Cass, please.” His voice comes in sharp gasps. 

Their breathing shifts on the other end of the call, the first gentle sound in the back of their throat.  _ “I wonder how fast you’ll come. If my fingers will be enough for you. My hand stroking you.” _

A keening noise works its way free. Every inch of him is alive, trying to escape, to find where Cass is so he can come back together in their arms. It’s only been two months, but his body remembers immediately just what kind of reaction they can pull from him. “Cass, I want you so fucking bad--”

_ “How do you want me?” _ they ask, before he can even finish the thought. 

He tilts his head against the pillow, struggling to catch his breath. “Inside me. I need you hard and deep. I want you here, your hands on me.” Mako tries to say something else, but the only thing that he can manage is Cass’ name. And again, and again and again until it’s just a desperate string of sounds pulled from him. 

_ “Mako--” _ they start, and his heart leaps, struggles against the confines of his body.  _ “I… Mako, I miss the warmth of you next to me.”  _

He comes, sharp and hot, his mind scattering in different directions, focusing on the sound of Cass’ panting breaths. A moan tumbles from his lips, and he doesn’t even bother to try and disguise it. 

His skin tingles, his fingers finishing himself off with a few lazy strokes. “Cass?” he asks, wanting to hear them, wanting to be the one to help them over the edge. “I miss you, too.” 

Their gasp clips in a sudden rush of static, but it’s not enough to disguise the creak of their mattress and the low sound of pleasure they make. 

And… it’s good. And Mako just wants to lie there, eyes squeezed shut so he can pretend that Cass is there with him, that soon, any moment now, their arm will drape over his waist and pull him in against them. That they will kiss the top of his head, his forehead, his nose. Kiss his lips, drawing it out, hands a reassuring weight against his spine. 

_ “Mako?” _

“Hmmm?” Mako is comfortable, for the first time in a long time. He snuggles back into the blankets. 

There’s a pause, the hesitation audible.  _ “Two weeks, tops. I’m almost done here. I’ll be home soon.” _

His breath escapes him on a huff of laughter. “Good. Because you’re right, my hand does not feel like yours.” 

Cass’ laughter is sweet and amused. When they speak, their voice is a whisper, meant only for him. Mako rolls in closer to the phone to close as much distance as possible.  _ “I will kiss you softly as you drift off to sleep next to me. I will kiss you when you wake up the next morning. And we will take all the time we want relearning all the pieces of each other we’ve missed these months.” _

Mako knows that he’s not misreading their tone. He knows because his heart aches with the same cadence. His fingers long to reach for them, to brush back through their gentle curls and tug them in for a kiss -- and then two, three, as many as they can. “Cass?” 

_ “Hmm?” _

“I’m going to hold you to that,” he says, full to the point of bursting with love. 

Two weeks. That’s fine. He can make it another two weeks. 

And then he will tell Cass how he feels. 

Stupidly, too content and happy to even care, Mako thinks that Cass’ laughter sounds like the sun.  _ “I look forward to it.” _


	18. Chapter 18

Mako wakes up the next morning feeling like he’s walking on air. 

Well, almost like he’s walking on air. There’s still the heavy weight of Cass’ absence, but other than that, his heart is light and the smile won’t stop. 

He does the laundry, because he’s nothing if not courteous, and while pulling his clothes together to finish off the load, he finds Cass’ sweater from where he left it in the corner of his room. 

Mako runs his fingers across the knitted fabric, tracing the barely visible pattern. Then he slips it on over his head and adjusts the way it sits on his shoulders. 

One minute, then two, then it slips down. But he doesn’t care. 

* * *

A few days pass. There’s something in the back of his mind that keeps him from calling Cass.

_ Don’t sound too needy _ , it says, a warning. At least it isn’t whispering those dark, crawling thoughts.  _ They will call when they are ready. _

(Which, looking back, is a weird thought to have -- because Mako has always been the one to initiate the conversations.) (But he doesn’t realize this until later, doesn’t realize that he’s only tricked himself into thinking it was okay.) 

* * *

He relistens to the call in the security of his own room, and can’t stop thinking about their voice.

He had never noticed how much he enjoyed listening to Cass talk -- when they lay out the details of their plan, when they tell a story or laugh at a joke. 

These calls are quiet, private conversations, and Cass allows themselves to sound less than composed. To give a jaw-popping yawn when tired or snort with laughter, to confess their fears and concerns that they aren’t certain that this plan will come together the way that it needs to. 

That this job might be too much for them. 

That they miss him. 

Mako plays that line again. And again and again. He patches together a story in his head, where there isn’t this strange dancing around one another under a stupid pretense. 

That they can say things like  _ I miss you _ and  _ I love you _ freely. 

He relistens to the call. He relistens to the call. He relistens to th--

* * *

“Hey, Mako,” AuDy says, standing in the middle of the common room after entering.

“Heya,” Mako says, not looking up from his work. After a pause, when AuDy doesn’t say or do anything, he tilts his head back over to stare at them upside down. “What’s up?” 

They pause, as if uncertain. “We have not received an update from Cass in a few days.” 

Even though he had been doing an amazing job and not thinking about how he hadn’t heard from Cass since that call, this kicks out a small pebble at the base of the carefully constructed wall. “Uh-huh?” 

“Have they said anything to you?” 

He freezes, wondering just what might have brought this on. “Uh… no? I mean, it’s not like… we talk…” It sounds like a bad lie, and of course there’s nothing in AuDy’s countenance that gives anything away, but they whirr as a servo kicks into motion. 

And then they incline their torso by a degree, the way someone would do if they were lifting a hand to their chin in thought. “I see.” 

“Yeah… Have you asked Aria?” 

“I have not.” 

“She might know? Or she’ll have an update from Jamil -- maybe they talked to Jamil directly.” 

“Perhaps.” AuDy pauses again, then moves their head in the approximation of a nod. “Thank you, Mako.” 

He sits back upright, pulling his tablet closer to his chest as he works. The sound of AuDy’s heavy footsteps leave the common room, but he doesn’t relax until the echos have faded from the halls. 

And when his limbs go loose, the hastily built wall starts to crumble, and Mako has to struggle to stay afloat. 

* * *

Aria sits next to him on the couch as he types -- fingers flying rapid fire over the keyboard to keep the code going. “Are you just keyboard smashing?” she asks, head tilting over to rest on his shoulder.

“No, of course not.” 

“It looks like you’re keyboard smashing.” 

“You have no faith in my abilities.” 

“I have lots of faith in your abilities! Just not your typing.” 

To prove a point, Mako lets his hands drop into his lap and the code keeps going. He cuts her a grin, and she sticks her tongue out at him. “I don’t have to type. I just like the feel of it.” 

She hums and kicks her legs over the arm of the couch. “Why?” 

He shrugs, and her head bounces with the motion. “I dunno. I like how it feels? It’s sort of therapeutic.” 

Aria’s expression wavers, and she glances up at him with wide eyes. 

Realizing what he’s said, he goes back to working on the code. He’s creating what is going to be Cass’ escape route from the Risen Rain dome -- small chips that can project a Mesh overlay. New faces, new names, new temporary identities that will keep them out of trouble. Pretty mindless work. But he gives it his full attention so he doesn’t have to pay attention to the way that Aria sits up and puts her hand on his knee. 

“Mako…?” 

“Not now, I’m busy.” 

She frowns and swipes the tablet from his hands, ignoring his bleat of protest. “Okay, first of all, you just showed off that you didn’t have to be paying attention to this to be able to do it.” She uses her real arm to hold the tablet out of the way. The metal hand she presses against his chest to keep him in place. “Secondly, I want to talk.” 

The shock of the cold touch jerks him back to his senses and he drops back onto the couch cushion with a huff. Aria’s ‘I want to talk’ is always code for a serious conversation trying to be disguised as a not serious one. 

He’s been occupied enough with trying to not start to overthink things. The coding was a mindless enough activity that he could do it without worrying about what was going on. 

“Mako, is everything okay?” 

“Yeah, Aria,” he says, tired. “It’s fine.” 

“Do  _ you _ want to talk about it?” 

He looks up at her, because this is… a different tactic. Normally, she’ll just talk until he caves and responds. But right now, she’s giving him the out if he wants it. 

For a moment, he toys with the idea of telling her. Of confessing everything. Of explaining his long-standing crush, or the old arrangement, of the new one, of what they said ( _I miss the warmth of you next to me_ ), to ask her what it might mean. 

But instead, he swallows it down and puts on a smile. “Not really. Maybe in the future, but not right now. I’m just… I’ve got a lot on my mind.” 

She reaches out and brushes his bangs back from his forehead, her metal fingers cool to the touch. Not in a soft way, like Cass’, and he winces away from it out of reflex. Aria hesitates, fingers curling in against her palm. “If you’re tired, you don’t have to go on tonight’s job.” 

Shit, he had forgotten there was a job tonight. “No, it’s cool. I’m fine.” 

“Mako, if you’re not getting enough sleep--” 

Ah, so she’s going to push anyway. “Aria, it’s _fine_. I’m fine.” 

She purses her lips and folds her arms over her chest, petulant. That sort of expression doesn’t work on him, but he’s seen plenty of people cave to it. Even Cass has caved to it on one occasion, which was a hilarious sight to behold. “I’m just worried, okay?” 

“I know.” 

“It’s been hard on all of us without Cass around.” 

“Yeah, I know.” He knows very well. 

“I’m sure they’ll be back soon. Then we can go back to a four-person team. And things will get easier.” 

Mako doesn’t know what else to say beyond another half-hearted, “Yeah.” 

* * *

He relistens to the call, but they don’t relieve the pressure the way they used to. Now, it’s just a reminder that Mako hasn’t been able to bring himself to call.

And ah, there it is, the gloating of that voice in the back of his head. The one that says  _ They haven’t called you because they don’t care. _

The one that says  _ you don’t even think it’s worth it to reach out to them. You’re giving up on yourself. _

He relistens to the call.

He doesn’t reach out. 

* * *

Then, after nearly a week of silence, a message from Cass in the group chat:

_ So I know that my job wasn’t exactly to sabotage the AI, but the unit has been responding quicker than they anticipated. I imagine that if this had been an unknown variable, the clients would have asked to end the job early.  _

_ Thus saying, I’m pretty sure they knew exactly what was going to happen.  _

_ I’m expected to stay for the product launch. We’ll get more details over the exact date soon, but I also expect that we’ll receive more data the longer I work. We need to find out if they want us to destroy this or not before it launches.  _

_ See if you can find out from Jamil.  _

_ I know I was planning on leaving next week, because it would have been easier to leave before I got too tied up in this, but at this point, I’m in it until the end.  _

_ Keep me updated. _

* * *

The wall starts to crumble faster.


	19. Chapter 19

Paisley calls Aria. 

She takes the call in another room, but that doesn’t stop Mako from snooping. 

They talk about the job. He says he has clients that want in on the tech. She agrees to talk to the team about it. 

It’s weird to have a team meeting without Cass. With just the three of them, an empty spot where they would be. The only thing on the table is a tablet displaying Paisley’s offer. 

“No,” Mako says. “We already are working for Jamil.” 

Aria huffs, rolling her eyes. “We can shop around for other clients.” 

“She’s your best friend.” 

She makes a sound. “I thought you like Paisley.” 

Mako isn’t entirely too sure what she means by this. “I do.” He does. Sort of. It’s complicated. 

“You don’t want to hear what his clients have to say?” 

“No,” Mako repeats. “It will be too dangerous to change Cass’ tactics this late in the game. You saw their message. They already had something unexpected happen. We don’t need to spring this on them.” 

AuDy is silent, studying the plans that Mako refuses to even look at. 

“Won’t you at least--” 

He frowns and reaches for the tablet. He gives it a cursory glance before setting it back on the table. “Okay, I looked at it. Still now.” 

Aria’s sigh is strained and she looks up at the ceiling, as if trying to ask a higher power for the patience to deal with this. 

“I think we should take this into consideration,” AuDy says suddenly, and the two of them to turn look. “At Paisley’s offer.” 

Mako sputters out some sort of non-answer and shakes his head. Aria lets out a breath of relief. 

“There is a good extraction plan. We could get them home sooner,” they continue, reaching out to highlight the key parts. “It will be safer for them.” 

He reaches out and expands the contract, making the projection larger so that he can read it without leaning in. His eyes jump across the lines, absorbing the information as quickly as possible. “They want to let it go to market.” 

“Yes.” 

“Jamil wants to destroy it.” 

“Yes.” If AuDy had teeth, they would have gritted them and spoken through that. 

Mako turns and looks at them. He doesn’t say anything, and neither does AuDy. 

“They’re right. This is safer for Cass. They shouldn’t even be there this long -- we shouldn’t have let them get roped into it this tightly.” Aria starts to pace, hand to her chin in thought. 

With a snort, Mako reaches out and turns off the projection. “No, we carry on like usual.” 

“You don’t get to make that decision--” AuDy starts, but Mako waves his hand. 

“And you are letting this get personal,” he cuts in. “Please, don’t make me sound like the voice of reason. Someone else has to realize this too, right?” He looks between Aria and AuDy, but one is conflicted and the other is literally impossible to read. “You’re shitting me!” 

“Mako--” 

“No, Aria! No, you can’t make this decision without talking to Cass about it.” 

She runs her hands back through her hair and resumes her pacing. “This is safer for them, and… honestly, we don’t know what the tech does.” 

He crosses his arms over his chest. “ _ I _ know what the tech does,” he says, not entirely a lie. 

AuDy does the approximation of a head shake. “You are trying to make the decision of robbing something of sentience. We are not murderers.” 

At this, Mako’s jaw drops and, for one frightening second, he doesn’t know what to think. Because,  _ yeah _ , this AI is developing a sentience at an alarming rate. 

At the same time, it’s just a logarithm that picks up on cues and questions and learns from them. It’s basic, but not, it’s something new and different but it’s not Divine. And it’s not AuDy. And it’s not JM. So. 

“We’ll hear Paisley out at least,” Aria says in that tone that means she’s already made the decision. And with AuDy obviously backing her up on this, Mako knows that he has no place to be able to argue. 

So he snaps his mouth shut and says nothing. 

* * *

He picks up more jobs -- ones through offers to the Chime, ones that he picks up on the Mesh, anything he can to just keep himself out of the Kingdom Come.

He finishes the chips and leaves them on the table in the common room next to Cass Jr’s tank. He doesn’t know what Paisley has to offer. Aria mentioned arranging a meeting with him to learn more, but she’s going with AuDy. 

Mako wasn’t invited. 

That’s fine, he thinks. 

He calls Jamil and sets up a meeting with her. 

Partly, he wants to know her opinion. 

Mostly, he wants to know that he’s making the right decision in siding with her. 

* * *

Jamil’s hair shifts in subtle colors as she taps a finger to her lip. “I was afraid of this.”

“And… it’s not okay, right?” 

Her sigh is soft, frustrated. “No. My clients are very adamant about what they expect from this job.” 

“They want the unit destroyed.” 

She nods, and Mako looks down at the table. 

“Why?” 

Her answer is to take a sip of coffee. 

Mako leans across the table, trying his best to come off as serious. Not that anyone ever takes him seriously. But he’s hoping that, for just one meeting, at least she will. “Tell me why they want it destroyed.” 

“I can’t do that.” 

“Then I can’t promise that that’s what we’ll be able to do.” 

The frown she gives is just as stylized as the rest of her. “We can pay you more if you give it to us.” 

Mako thinks about this, thinks about what Aria would say, and shakes his head. “It’s not about the money.” 

“Then what is it about?” 

“About doing what’s right.” 

Jamil laughs, hand pressed to her chest in surprise. “That was such an Aria Joie answer.” 

Mako tries to grin, but it doesn’t make it that far. “I thought you would appreciate it.” 

“That would be her response.” 

“And?” 

“And what, Mako? It doesn’t change my answer.” She must read something in the way his expression falls, because she reaches out and touches her fingers to his arm. Her nails are long, painted with some sort of heat sensitive varnish, and they glimmer beneath the lights of the Constellation coffee shop. “Doing what is right is subjective. There is no one answer for it.” 

He doesn’t respond right away, and she presses harder until there are patches on his skin that reveal her fingerprints when she draws away. 

“I can see where Aria and AuDy are coming from in response to this. Aria is… very tenderhearted.” She says this carefully, stepping around some other word. “And I imagine AuDy--” 

“Is taking this very personally. Yeah.” 

Jamil finishes off her coffee and, trying to not be like himself and actually make a good impression, Mako gestures to ask if she would like another. She dismisses the question with the wave of a hand. “When it comes down to it, Cass has to make their own call.” 

Mako bites his lip. 

She goes on. “It’s not up to you, and it’s not really up to Aria and AuDy either. None of you are in a position to derail them even if you wanted to.” Jamil tilts her head to the side, and her hair falls around her shoulders in a cascade of light. “I’ll reach out to my clients, and I’ll see if what has happened changes anything. I’ll see if we can’t get an out for Cass sooner, if that is what you’re concerned about.” 

Mako doesn’t know what he’s concerned about, but he knows enough to nod. 

She nods back. “I’ll call you later with details.” 

And then, before she can leave, before he can stop himself, Mako asks, “Have you heard from Cass recently?” 

Jamil hesitates then glances back at him. “I received the recent data package, but they haven’t actually reached out to me personally. I always thought it was because it was safer to go through your proxies with them.” 

“Oh… Okay.” 

“Is something wrong?” 

He waves his hand and hopes he does a convincing enough job of smiling this time. “Nope, it’s all good. Thanks!” 

* * *

Mako takes more jobs to avoid the fact that, beyond the occasional comment in the group chat, Cass hasn’t said anything.

_What if something happened to them_ , he thinks. 

( _Like what if they got tired of you,_ that voice thinks.) 

What had once been a wall holding him together nearly shatters into a landslide.


	20. Chapter 20

A voicemail is waiting for him when he gets back from a job. He thinks it might just be for another contract, but when he brings up the screen, Cass’ contact picture lingers with the ‘missed call’ notification. 

His heart stops, and for a long moment, he forgets to breathe. 

When his lungs start to protest from the lack of oxygen, he fumbles to play the message. 

It clicks into a gentle hum of silence before Cass’ voice swells through the earpiece.  _ “Mako, it’s… well, you know it’s me. I wanted to…” _ They hesitate, and Mako’s insides are scrambling to figure out just how he feels.  _ “I suppose I want to apologize, for what happened. You were right: We had a line, and unspoken rules, and I broke them first. I crossed the line, and I brought things into it that I shouldn’t have. I brought my feelings into it, when I shouldn’t have.” _

Everything inside of Mako goes still and it’s like a blanket of calm. They were having the same doubts as him. Lines, rules, emotions. 

_ Emotions. _

Even that tiny voice in the back of his head is silenced by this admittance. 

_ “There’s not going to be any coming back from this, I know. And you shouldn’t have to have this hanging over your head the next time--well, if there is even a next time. I don’t blame you if you want to go back on it now, if it’s too awkward.” _

Cass has got to be crazy if they think Mako’s just going to let this go. But at the same time this… means that they have no idea how head-over-heels Mako is for them. 

_ “I know I could have done this better -- could have called you the next day, could have let you know sooner, could have said something when I had the chance. Instead, I…” _

Mako knows exactly what they mean. 

(Lying together on their bed, _why don’t you like to be kissed_ , things that Mako should have said, should have done.) 

(How is he supposed to put what he feels into words?) 

Cass lets out a heavy, tired sigh and Mako aches to hear it.  _ “I’ll be back in a few weeks, and yeah, I know it’s longer than I said. But I have a chance to do something here, because the way this thing is developing is too fast and too intelligently. So I want to make sure that I see this through to the end. Let me know what you decide. Let me know if you need space or time or if you just want to tell me to fuck off because I will.” _

There’s a long pause, and Mako listens to Cass’ tired sigh. The sound of someone who thinks they are alone, out of their depth, missing someone terribly. Mako wants to kiss them. He wants to kiss them until that furrow of worry dissolves from their brow. Until their hands are on him, and they are kissing him hard enough to bruise. 

_ “I hope you’re getting enough sleep,” _ they say, and the call ends. 

And just like that, Mako feels better. It’s an odd feeling -- like everything has been lifted from his shoulders, and he can walk with his back straight. It’s not lifting him off his feet, and it’s not a magical lightness descending upon his head. 

It’s a more solid strength, bolstering him. 

Mako presses his phone to his forehead, breathes in, breathes out, and feels the weight of reassurance. 

It will be okay. It will be okay. It will be--

His phone rings, and he jumps, practically flinging it across his room in surprise. 

But it’s not Cass -- it’s the client he had been waiting to hear from. Alright, they will have to message Cass later. Figure out a good time to call, and let them know. 

Right now, it’s time to focus. 

* * *

“There’s been a change in plans,” AuDy says.

“Whaa?” Mako asks, looking up from a pizza and a cat meme. 

“We’re going to go with Paisley’s clients.” 

He chokes on the bite of food and doesn’t even bother trying to swallow it all down before asking, “Have you talked to Cass?” 

AuDy’s head inclines a degree. “I called them today.” 

Something flutters nervously in Mako’s chest -- annoyed that AuDy would call them, when he couldn’t even find the time to call. (It’s stupid, but he doesn’t want to leave a voicemail. He wants to hear Cass’ reaction -- even better, he wants to  _ see _ their reaction, but he doesn’t know if he could wait that long.) “And?” 

“And they agreed to go with the new plan.” AuDy turns to leave, as if that is enough of an explanation. 

Mako sputters, finally gulping down the food before it could fall out of his mouth. “Seriously?” 

They pause, and then leave without saying anything. 

He’s left sitting at the table, uncertain of what he’s supposed to do. 

* * *

The change of plan goes the way AuDy and Aria said it will. They send Cass the ticket for when they are expected to leave. And that is it. They will be home.

Mako has mixed feelings about it. 

Yes, he very much wants Cass back, and wants them back before anything more can happen. But Cass sounded like… they want to stick around to see what is going to happen with the AI. It sounds very out of character for them to suddenly just leave, to let it go to market like Paisley wants. 

But before Mako can get the chance to follow up on it, he gets sent out on a job. 

The job is outside of Centralia, and the contract is for a two week minimum, and Mako is the only one of the Chime that can do it. It’s good money, good contacts, and so he’s on the Starlight Straight before he can even blink. 

In the end, he never gets a chance to call Cass. 

* * *

There’s a message on his phone one night.

It’s from Aria. 

_ Cass changed their ticket. They’re not coming home this week. _

He doesn’t know how to respond. His heart won’t stop doing funny little nervous flips.  _ What do you mean? _

_ The ticket that we arranged for them. They changed it. Another week or something. They’re going against the plan. _

Mako frowns at his phone and resists the urge to tell her that she’s the one that changed the plan without properly consulting them in the first place.  _ Trust them to know what they’re doing. They’re The Plan Person. _

The phone shows her as typing for a very long time, and then nothing sends. 

It’s two hours later by the time she replies.  _ You’re right. _

That doesn’t stop him from feeling nervous. 

* * *

Mako tries to think how he feels about all of this, and the answer is: Tired and annoyed.

There’s too many variables and everyone keeps complaining but no one is talking to each other. 

He still hasn’t replied to Cass’ voicemail, because he doesn’t know what to say. 

Calling or texting to say  _ I love you  _ sounds too trite. Saying  _ does this mean you love me _ sounds too desperate. He runs over phrases and scenarios and conversations in his head until that tiny voice comes back and shoots them all down. 

_ Don’t project your feelings onto their words. Emotions can mean a lot of things.  _

_ They didn’t say they loved you. _

Mako throws himself into the work to make that voice shut up. 

* * *

He never does end up texting or calling Cass.


	21. Chapter 21

Mako is on the job for nine days when an alarm starts to go off on his phone. It wakes him up at somewhere close to eight in the morning, because he hasn’t been sleeping well. 

The alarm is the built-in distress beacon that he had set up for Cass, the one that would go off if they had to use the code Mako gave them. 

It means they’re on their way home, or it means they got caught. 

Mako tries not to think about what it can mean. He’s in no position to leave to go pick them up from the station, as he had planned on. Someone else would have to go bring the chips to Cass. 

Aria immediately floods the group chat, with the occasional input from AuDy expressing displeasure at the situation and the choice of direction. Mako forces himself to turn off his phone and ignore the icons in the Mesh. But he does book a ticket back to Centralia for the next day and decides to finish the job a few days early. 

He has to hope that Cass will be okay. He set up their escape route for them. 

They will be fine. 

_ They will be fine. _


	22. Chapter 22

Mako pulled an all-nighter to be able to finish the job two days early. 

(“It was for a two-week minimum contract,” the client said, obviously trying to decide if they were annoyed or impressed. 

“Yeah, and I finished it in ten days, so that plus weekends, fourteen days total. You know where to send the money.”) 

_ New job!!! _ Aria texts when he’s on the train. 

_ Okay and? _

_ Right up your alley. I’ll send it your way shortly. _

That was like two hours ago. And she hasn’t been answering his texts. 

Well, surprise then, he’ll get it from her in person. 

The Kingdom Come is easy enough to find in the station once he reaches Centralia. Mako stands at the back of the hull for a moment, catching his breath, before he slaps the release and steps back to let the hatch drop open. 

Alright. Be as normal as possible. 

And, first thing’s first, get that job. 

He breezes up the ramp with his usual energy and makes his way to the common room to find the rest of his team. “Aria! You said you were going to send me that file--” 

He rounds the corner and finds Cass, standing in the kitchen, caught in the headlights. 

Mako doesn’t know what to do. They look exhausted, they look stressed, slightly disheveled but clearly just fresh from the shower, and Mako aches to see them. 

But there’s something keeping him rooted to place. 

“You…” Cass starts, gesturing at him with the spoon. “That’s my sweater?” 

Mako jerks back to his senses and realizes, belatedly, that yeah, he’s wearing the sweater. Shit. That wasn’t part of the plan to play it cool and casual. “Yeah. I uh… For a job, I needed something dark. And I don’t really  _ do _ dark colors, so I had to raid your wardrobe.” It sounds like a very weak excuse now, but it is the truth. He just… ended up keeping it longer than he intended. “Is that… okay?” 

Cass lets out a very undignified sound as the words catch in their throat. “It’s fine. Yeah. Uh. It looks good on you?” 

He smiles, because he can’t help it, because no, the sweater is too big on him and can’t possibly look stylish (he’s just wearing it over jeans and a tshirt right now). The smile falls and the emotional exhaustion from the last few weeks finally starts to trickle in. 

That’s why he’s not moving across the room towards them. The back and forth, the teasing, all the words without actually saying anything. He’s  _ tired _ . 

“I thought you were supposed to be coming back a few days ago.” Keep it on the job. Keep it professional. 

“I…” Cass’ voice is strained, but Mako doesn’t look. He keeps his gaze focused across the room. “I had to see it through to the end.” 

He takes a breath, but lets it go. He was right in thinking that Cass hadn’t agreed to the change in plans. Mako glances in their direction for a beat, and in that moment, they jerk their head over their shoulder and step into one of the side halls. 

Mako doesn’t know what to do. His feet follow after automatically. Something about this feels like the first time they agreed on their arrangement, but the tension running through him was excitement and a frantic, hysterical  _ what am I doing _ . Everything is slow now, quiet. 

They stop in the hall, and Mako stands on the opposite end of the walkway from them. 

“You said two weeks,” he says before he can stop himself. “You said you would be home in  _ two weeks _ .” 

They rub their hand over their face and  _ shit _ , they just look so tired. “I know. Something came up. Product launch was moved forward and I had to…” 

Mako knows enough of what happened, he just doesn’t understand why it all happened. He keeps his arms folded over his chest and his gaze focused somewhere off to the side and tries to think of the next logical step. 

Despite Cass’ message, trying to explain that they took fault for making it awkward because of their feelings, Mako couldn’t figure it out. He managed to work himself back into the idea that it was a joke. One big elaborate joke that didn’t mean anything. 

Cass breaks the silence with a stilted, “Hey.” They wait a beat, but Mako doesn’t respond. “So… I kind of remember this thing about me being your impulse control…” 

Mako’s eyebrows go up and his heart skips a beat at that. He allows himself to look at Cass out of the corner of his eye. “Yeah?” 

“I’m pretty sure you said you were going to do something when you saw me next…” Cass keeps their tone light, the same kind of teasing they had on the phone. Soft and thoughtful. “What was it again…” 

Mako lets his arms drop to his sides and finally looks at them. “Oh, did I say that? I don’t really know. It’s been like two months.” 

It’s sort of a low blow, but they take it in stride. Hands at their sides, the finger of one hand tapping out a rhythm against the wall. “Yes, it was some sort of crazy plan of yours that you were formulating because I wasn’t there… What could it have been?”

The fact that they remembered all of his brings a flutter of hope back to his chest. Mako takes a step in their direction, the pull automatic and strong. “I honestly don’t know. But it might be because you’re back, and my impulse control is kicking back in. You might have missed your window of opportunity.” 

And yeah, perhaps he is a little mad at Cass, though it’s unfair to them. There is no reason Mako should have expected them to prioritize him over the job, especially when he never made the effort to reach out to them after. 

The smile that Cass offers in response is calculated, careful. Disappointed. “Well, then,” they say with a shrug. “Perhaps I should just go back to finishing my lunch--” 

Fuck. 

This. 

Mako closes the distant as quickly as he can move. He reaches for their collar, and use it as an anchor to pull himself up on his toes so he can press his lips against Cass’. 

There’s a beat, the surprise palpable, but it immediately drops away as their arms curl around his waist. They kiss him, and he kisses back harder. He drapes his arms around their neck, as they stumble back a few paces under the force of Mako’s kiss. 

When Mako finally forces himself to pull back, he takes Cass’ lower lip between his teeth, and can feel them shudder beneath him. “Odd, because I seem to remember you telling me that you were going to make me show you something.” 

Cass’ fingers press to his chin, tilting his face up so they can kiss him again. And shit, it’s that kiss he remembers from all those months ago, the one that makes his knees go weak and forget that there is anything else in the word. 

They move at the same time, Mako pulling himself in closer as Cass’ arms tighten their grip around him. 

“I’m an idiot,” Mako finally manages, unable to stop smiling. 

Cass’ laugh is a warm puff of air against this face. “I think that makes two of us.” 

“When I asked... “ He swallows, tries again. “When I asked to have sex, I didn’t think… I didn’t think it would mean anything for you, and I figured that it was the best way to get you to notice me.” 

Cass’ head pulls back a degree so they can look at him. “What do you mean?” 

Mako blinks back in surprise. Did they…. Not get it? Did they really believe that flimsy ‘relieve stress’ excuse? “You really didn’t notice?” 

“I certainly noticed when you stopped calling me all of a sudden.” 

Mako rolls his eyes and grumbles. “Listen, it’s hard to handle when the person you have a massive crush on dirty talks you on the phone, okay?  _ Especially  _ after they find out that you’ve been sleeping in their bed, and, well…” It was a rather awkward series of events that led to that moment, as much as he enjoyed it after the fact. As much as it felt like his heart would have burst through his chest. 

“What?” Cass asks, honestly not getting it, and it’s so endearing that Mako gives in. 

“Okay, I know, I was being a bit dumb with the kissing thing, but… Shit, Cass. That was too much, even for me.” 

Their grip on him tightens, pulling him in closer as he closes his eyes. 

“I just needed a moment. I thought for certain that you were just playing along with me, that you had been humoring me the whole time, but…” But then that call made everything different. The message they left made everything different. 

“It’s hard when you realize that suddenly your emotions are a part of it.” 

He laughs despite himself, because emotions had always been a part of it, despite his best effort to keep them out. “When I thought you would be home in just two weeks, I thought I could wait. But then two weeks turned into another month, and…” 

“And one thing led to another.” 

“Uh-huh.” 

Mako settles back onto his feet, and chin resting against Cass’ chest, he looks up at them and grins. “So, emotions, huh?” 

They groan and let their head tilt back against the wall. “Yes, emotions.” 

“Do you think those emotions of yours can show my emotions a thing or two?” 

Cass laughs and Mako somehow forgot how much he loved the sound of it. He moves in to press a kiss to the corners of their mouth. “I wasn’t kidding when I said I was making lunch, you know,” they say, voice muffled half around Mako’s lingering kiss. 

“Oh come on. Let me confess my love for you while I get you naked and in my bed.” 

They laugh again and Mako feels like he could just float away. “Mako. First of all, it’s going to be in  _ my _ bed. Second of all--” 

His breath stutters as Cass’ grip returns to his chin, tilting his face up to them. They meet his gaze, find their answer, and press a lingering kiss to his lips. “I should have told you sooner,” they say. “I’m sorry.” 

Mako leans back into the kiss. “Okay, then you can make your lunch and you can tell me about this product launch you botched, and  _ then _ we can go back to your room and--how did you put it?” He pauses to think about it, though he hasn’t stopped smiling once. “Take all the time we want relearning all the pieces of each other we’ve missed these months.” 

Cass covers their face and groans. “That was so sappy.” 

“Don’t say that,” Mako coos, reaching up and playing with their hair at the base of their neck. “I’ve been looking forward to it ever since you brought it up.” 

“How did you remember that?” 

Well, might as well come clean about it. “I might have recorded the phone call and spent a lot of time relistening to it after….” Wow that sounds pretty bad. “Listen, it’s not my proudest moment, but when I thought that you were just playing along to humor me, I figured ‘why the hell not’, which sounds really pathetic when I say it out loud, but--” 

Cass kisses him again, and Mako is so stupidly in love and happy. And, for the first time in a long time, he feels himself relax.

**Author's Note:**

> Want to help combat the angst party on twitter? [Come yell at me here](https://twitter.com/lil_miss_banana)!


End file.
